just listen to me

things with my mom haven't been great. it's a constant back and forth between her being tolerable and me feeling safe/secure vs her being pessimistic and so damn miserable I resent even being around her. during winter break, she was better and I thought she was changing, but I visited 2 weeks after and was miserable. I've always wanted a nice relationship with my mom and I thought that was happening, but I was wrong and it kills me and my inner child to think I was so close and it got snatched away. I feel tricked and betrayed.

this week, I had a therapy session after a month long break and came back with so much stuff to say that my therapist scheduled me again for next week bc she felt I hadn't gotten everything out yet.

theres just this deep feeling bubbling up inside me and idk what to do about it. I'm constantly having to choose between my own mental health (and risk the consequences) or suck up to my mom and be in a shitty environment where I'm not heard, listened to nor seen and lose myself in the process.

I've given her everything, I've told her everything, I've made it so easy for her to just be a better person and better parent to me and she just won't do it. maybe she's not capable, but for the first time my therapist labeled my mom as toxic and emotionally abusive and it's really sticking to me. maybe because saying the words makes it real.

i can feel my body is holding onto something deep and im scared the flood gates will open and completely drown me. I don't have the energy to have a crying breakdown, I'm just to tired of it.