I thought I had finally beat it

I had AN for many years as a teenager and in college, which turned into AN-bp and exercise addiction, then full on bulimia when I tried to recover, and I’ve probably had subclinical bulimia for the past decade, which flares up in times of stress.

I thought I had finally beat it. After the holidays and a particularly bad relapse (holidays always do that) I finally committed to giving antidepressants another shot, and started micro dosing a GLP1 to help with the food noise that comes with bulimia (I am a healthy bw and don’t have urges to restrict, just to stop freaking binging). Wow, I felt like a new person. I was able to eat, and even overeat, without the urge to eat everything in sight and purge. The inflammation was going down. I felt so good to finally feel normal, and happy, and eating like a normal fucking person. This was my new year, new me.

Then my therapist brought it up. Asked about the last time I purged. I hadn’t even thought about it for two weeks. And something inside me snapped, and I’ve been binging for a week straight. Like eating an entire bag of granola, getting in my car and driving to the bakery binging. Out of control.

I’m miserable, ashamed, and uncomfortable. My eczema is flaring the worst it ever has. I feel huge. I feel like I failure. I can’t focus on work. I’m not even good at purging anymore. I’m just stuck, forever, in this loop. I’m fucking in my 30s and cannot move past this stupid disorder. I’m so tired.