Wondering if anyone else has had these same feelings and if so what has helped you deal with them.

So I just went to my third therapy session and she was going over some relaxation techniques with me. One of which was to imagine yourself in a happy place. As she’s describing what a happy place might be I just start crying and feeling myself panic.

We start discussing why that happened and I tell her that happy memories have always been more painful for me to look back on than bad memories. She didn’t really seem to know what to do with that and we talked a bit about my fear of death and aging playing a part in that how I should try to accept things that I can’t change. But it didn’t really seem to manifest in anything I felt would be actually helpful for dealing with these feelings and I ended up having a panic attack in the parking lot after I left.

So I was wondering if anyone else also has a lot of trouble dealing with happy memories? Like I can remember bad memories and they’ll upset me or make me kinda sad but they’re not super painful like happy memories to the point I’ll often start crying and be unable to stop. Everyone has always talked about the feeling of nostalgia and how great it is when something makes them feel nostalgic. But I’ve always had the opposite experience in that nostalgia makes me feel panicked and nauseous so I avoid it all costs.

I didn’t have the best childhood and have always had an intense fear of death and getting older that I think play a part but I don’t think that’s all of where this feeling comes from. It doesn’t even have to be a memory. If I’m in the present and having a moment of intense happiness all of a sudden I’ll get completely overwhelmed and break down and start crying and can’t stop. It’s ruined the moment for me more than once.

If anyone can relate and has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.