Get inspired by year of the fire horse and make this the year things change

Sisters, I was up tossing and turning last night. I fantasize more and more about my future life not even as someone who finds a partner that acts like they desire me, but even just about a life as a single woman with no one to disappoint me. I think so often about how much relief it will bring to be free.

I'm reflecting a lot not just about my tragic sex life but at my relationship as a whole. How our sex was never enough even at the very beginning. How even while I was convinced I could be content with the dead bedroom, I never felt pursued or wanted. The fact that I believe we married out of convenience, because it felt like the next step, and that I believe whole-heartedly that had I not suggested it so he could get on my employer's health insurance he never would have asked me. That in 12 years together I can count on one hand the number of times he's gotten me flowers, and that I have a single gifted piece of jewelry from him. We don't have kids- I don't want them, and it's not like we're doing anything that could produce them- but I wonder if I would have felt different if I were with someone else.

For years while in this relationship I felt good being the chill girlfriend. Low drama, no fights, I just kind of took things as they were. Some things in my life changed over the past few years and it's not something I can tolerate anymore. Part of the grief over my marriage has been feeling so sorry for the woman I was for so long. I felt so relieved to finally have been picked that I was ok with the bare minimum (really... maybe below bare minimum, if we're talking romantic partners). I'm afraid I could be that girl again in the future once I start dating, but I hope I won't.

The lunar new year started this past week, and it is the year of the fire horse: a year to make big changes, take risks, and find progress. I'm choosing to make that a sign, that I won't let myself spend another year lonely in my marriage. I can't spend another year muting myself to make life at home more comfortable.

We have a trip at the end of the month that I would like to go smoothly, but after that I need to really start putting plans to action. I think moving out is the first step, and that feels so scary, but the pain of another year of regret is even more scary.

❤️❤️❤️