My (25M) boyfriend got me (25F) red roses, and I’m frustrated.

First off- I love your podcast and am a huge listener/ fan. Now onto my story.

I really need advice because I feel so lost and emotional and my family and friends are 800 miles away. My boyfriend and I just moved to a new city, where I am pursuing a career in music. In the past, we’ve had the same issues of cycles repeating and nothing changing. My biggest concern right now- I feel like he’s stopped dating me. No handwritten notes, barely any dates, doesn’t post me on his stories anymore, and no flowers.

Our cycle is: he doesn’t step up and date me, I get frustrated and bottle it up, I then get to a breaking point and tell him my concerns, he does better for about a week or two, then back to the start. This time though I feel like I’ve really hit a wall. I’ve lost some of the spark I once had in our relationship.

For Valentine’s Day, we did NOTHING. Our dog had to have last minute surgery, so we stayed home and took care of her. I didn’t mind this because I love our dog and I understand things happen. The day before Valentine’s Day he gave me a little makeup bag, a candle, and a necklace from a boutique he went to and I was very very thankful and appreciative. But Valentine’s Day rolls around, and I was just thinking maybe my boyfriend would go get me a coffee or pancakes from McDonald’s, maybe some flowers or a card to make the actual day feel somewhat special. He didn’t do anything. He woke up at 1:30 PM after I’ve been up with our dog since 6:30 in the morning. I am thankful for the gift, but I’ve told him repeatedly it’s not about the gifts, it’s about doing things for me to make me feel loved. We got in an argument obviously about this and he admitted he dropped the ball. He did give me a small things of pink carnations the week prior and asked me to be his valentine which he claimed were my Valentine’s Day flowers. Before this though, I hadn’t received flowers in months. Even if he had made me a bath & lit a candle I would’ve been so happy.

So all this buildup has been eating at me. He told me he will do better, but I’m concerned the damage has been done. The real issue isn’t Valentine’s Day. It’s a constant cycle of him not stepping up, and he couldn’t even step up on the one day that’s the EASIEST to step up.

After our conversation on Sunday I thought things would get better. It wasn’t until Thursday where I genuinely started to think he hadn’t heard anything I was saying. So Thursday I took matters into my own hands and planned to treat myself to flowers, coffee, a new dress, etc. He called me when I was doing a task and I told him about my me day and we hung up. I was feeling really emotional though because he hadn’t stepped up, I was missing home, and wondering if this move was worth it.

Now to advice- I ended up trying to have a “me” day but kept tearing up so decided to go home. I texted him that I’m having a really hard day and was feeling homesick, to which he was being sweet. When I pulled up to our house, he was waiting for me with a small red rose bouquet and a frozen Dr. pepper. I felt really indifferent. Here’s where I need advice- I’m kinda pissed about the red roses. I have told him since day 1 that I DO NOT LIKE red roses. I have told him repeatedly that I love sunflowers, hydrangeas, peonies, literally anything except red roses. He even said “I know you don’t love red roses but I think they are so pretty and smell good.” I thanked him and went about our day. I don’t even know what to feel at this point and am concerned I’m overreacting and just being too much. I really need advice and some help summarizing why I’m feeling the way I am. Am I being over dramatic? Is it wrong I’m pissed about the red roses?