Proud of myself

I have spent a long time in severe freeze and almost completely isolated. I’ve been slowly working on activating myself while staying in my window of tolerance, and trying to slowly build that tolerance. Right now what that looks like is that I took a shower this morning, I did the dishes today, I walked for 15 minutes inside my apartment (trying to go outside sent me into dissociation for a couple of hours before I noticed what was happening and could redirect), I recognised I felt like having a cup of tea and made myself one. It’s slow going, but I try to pay attention to the small victories, to the things that are going right instead of what is missing.

My apartment is my sanctuary. I live on the third floor, so I feel hidden away from the world. I don’t have a job right now and struggle to go outside so my neighbours don’t see much of me. When I’m about to go outside and I hear anybody in the central hall, I usually wait until they’re gone so I can avoid them (feels embarrassing to admit).

So yesterday and today I did two things differently. Yesterday I was about to leave for therapy when I heard people on outside my door. I always leave early so I could have easily spared a few minutes to wait, but I decided to use the situation as an opportunity to practice. So I stepped outside and was immediately addressed by a young woman who asked me if I knew whose car was parked outside our building. She was helping her sister move and wanted to use the parking space for the moving truck. I told them whose car it was and had a little chat with her. Then I told her welcome to the building and she said “Oh no, my sister is actually moving out!” I kind of braced myself for the shame to flood me, because usually that happens when I make these kind of ‘mistakes’ in social settings. But it didn’t really happen! I felt slightly embarrassed but I just told her all the best and good luck with the move and then I went on to catch my bus. It felt great to just spontaneously interact with people and to feel generally ok about it. Not super anxious, no debilitating shame, no endless rumination afterwards about every detail of what I said or did.

And just now, my doorbell went. The doorbell for my apartment door, so somebody was standing right outside. Again, I’m used to this sending me straight into a panic and honestly I usually ignore my doorbell unless I’m expecting someone (which is almost never). But this time I decided to just go open the door and see what would happen. Sure, my heart rate went up and I felt some tension, but no full blown panic and hiding in the dark for an hour after for fear anyone would see I was home. It was my neighbour wanting to ask if I was interested in some food bowls for my cat. I told him no thanks, my cat has a special bowl but thank you for thinking of me! And then we had a little chat about cats and their eating preferences and how we spoil them. It was very pleasant. In this interaction I also fumbled some words and I was a bit awkward at times but it was ok. I felt ok.

I think the fact that I have been kind with myself for the past few weeks, meeting myself where I am and building from there instead of expecting me to move mountains out of nowhere, while also challenging myself to do the things that I am able to is paying off. It’s having an effect that goes beyond just the simple tasks that I have been trying to execute. I feel like I am very slowly building a bit of confidence. And maybe there is a beginning sense of my place in this world and that I am actually allowed to exist. And I am capable, that feeling is beginning to grow as well. Which feels a bit ridiculous to say with how small and basic my achievements are so far. But I think I’m finally developing the sense that I am an adult in the here and now instead of a small helpless child stuck in an impossible situation.