Was I being manipulative while apologizing over text?

I don't wanna give the specifics of the apology.. but I was thinking beforehand, how ashamed I feel for how I behaved in the past. I don't really feel anything these days (tl;dr lot of trauma, got to a point I would get physically ill from feelings so I shut them off, it has pros and cons). I regret how I treated them because they deserve/d much better. I got nervous they would be mad at me, that they'd cut me off officially. I started thinking I hope they forgive me, and again, how mean I had been back then. I started crying. I basically said, sorry for how I was, this isn't an excuse but the reason why I was like that, I really respect you. They said they don't hold grudges. I said, still it wasn't ok how I was. I wanna do XYZ to make sure I don't act like that in the future. They said basically it's in the past, I said thank you for accepting my apology, but I don't think it's in the past until I've done those things to ensure I don't be like that again. And again that I really look up to them. I was crying the whole time, idk how I felt, if I felt anything while crying. I just had thoughts like how ok being manipulative, why should they want me in their life, it was so awful how I treated them. I don't want to manipulate them, but what if I did because more than anything I want to stay in their life? What if im being manipulative now?