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Blurb: After Piri the nine-tailed fox follows an order from Heaven to destroy a dynasty, she finds herself on trial in Heaven for that very act.  Executed by the gods for the “crime,” she is cast into the cycle of reincarnation, starting at the very bottom – as a worm.  While she slowly accumulates positive karma and earns reincarnation as higher life forms, she also has to navigate inflexible clerks, bureaucratic corruption, and the whims of the gods themselves.  Will Piri ever reincarnate as a fox again?  And once she does, will she be content to stay one?

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Chapter 237: The Fate of Lady Fate

CRAAACK.

One of the columns snapped as the Dragon Commander crashed into it in his headlong flight for the doors.

“Hold!”  Aurelia’s command rang out through the hall.  “Dragon Commander, tell Us what your role in the attempted murder of Koh Lodia was.”

The massive dragon froze in place, then sank to the floor in a heap of quivering coils.

“Merciful Jade Empress, I am merely a humble and obedient dragon – ” I didn’t have to be looking at Den to recognize his snort – “who carries out the orders of my superiors.”

Ah, that old But-it-wasn’t-my-fault-a-god-told-me-to-do-it defense that hadn’t worked for me.  If we accepted it, half of Heaven would go unpunished.  If we rejected it, however, we’d have to banish aforementioned half of Heaven and lose the useful work that the gods did perform.  We’d only planned to make examples of a handful to scare the rest into line, but if the Dragon Commander were volunteering for the job….

I leaned forward, just the slightest bit, but the motion drew all gazes to me.  “So tell Us, what were the orders you received, and from whom?”

Carefully avoiding looking in the direction of the Goddess of Life, the lump of trembling coils confessed to the bottommost step of the dais, “I was ordered by the Goddess of Life to remove a human she found particularly irritating.”

The Goddess of Life’s features contorted until she was uglier than an old hag who worked in the rice paddies and had never carried a sunshade to protect her skin a day of her life.  “You dare,” she hissed.

“Did she tell you why this human deserved to die?” Aurelia inquired.

“No, Heavenly Majesty.  I did not question her order.”

Of course he hadn’t.  After all, what was one human, more or less?  They lived such short lives and were self-replacing.  Then again, that logic had been what got me into so much trouble last time.

“She deserved to die,” snapped the Goddess of Life, “because she had decided to favor the Kitchen God above all others.  She set him above all others.  She was…she was a blasphemer who wanted to replace the Jade Emperor!”

I couldn’t suppress the laugh that bubbled up in my throat.  Before it could turn into an undignified snort, I threw back my head and let it echo around the hall, inviting all present to join in.  A few gods chuckled uncertainly.

Bobo, on the other hand, looked ready to bite.  “Ssshe was not!  Ssshe never thought about replacing the Jade Emperor!  All ssshe was doing was ssserving the Kitchen God, the Divine Intercesssor between people on Earth and the Jade Emperor!”

I lifted a hand, and the gods’ nervous chuckling cut off.  “We can attest to that.  Dragon Commander, go on.  What happened after the Goddess of Life ordered you to murder Koh Lodia?”

“I…delegated the…task to the Dragon King of the Western Sea.”

All eyes fell upon that dragon, who pressed into the floor as if crushed under their weight.  “It is true, Heavenly Majesty.  We waited until Koh Lodia and her entourage invaded the Western Sea, and then we sent Captain White Lip to repel them.”

“Ye-es, Heavenly Majesty,” quavered the oystragon.  “I was to assassinate her in all the chaos.”

“Not just her.”  My voice was sharp with remembered pain.  “You also killed a certain sparrow, did you not?”

“Ah, that was…but that was….”

“That was We.  We were that sparrow.”

The oystragon threw himself flat across the floor.  “Have mercy, Heavenly Majesty!  I didn’t know!”

Ah!  A chance to differentiate between Aurelia and me, to start establishing our roles.

“Mercy,” I repeated with a curl of my lip.  “She’s the merciful one.”

I tipped my head at Aurelia, who considered the miserable spirit before us.  “Under the circumstances, We believe We shall grant clemency.”

“But they killed Rosssie!  They almost killed Lodia!” Bobo cried indignantly.

“They did also come to Our aid in Our hour of need.”

Only because they were blackmailed into it, but if we executed them despite their assistance, we were never going to be able to blackmail – er, convince – anyone to side with us again.

Bobo still looked as if she could not countenance pardoning my murderer, so I winked at her.  “My Co-Jade Empress makes a reasonable point.  For the aid you rendered, We are moved to grant clemency for your past crimes.  Including raising a hurricane without authorization.”

The other dragon kings clamored, apparently horrified more by the unauthorized storm than by any other part of the dragons’ and oystragon’s testimony.

“Return to the Western Sea,” I proclaimed.  “Let there never be a repeat.  We will not show mercy a second time.  And as for you, Dragon Commander, you are hereby stripped of your title and authority over all dragons.  You are banished from Heaven.  Fiat.  Let it be done.”

The Dragon Commander turned pleading eyes on Aurelia, but she confirmed, “Fiat.  Let it be done.”

Once that lot had slunk out of the hall, I smiled down at the Goddess of Life.  “And as for the final charge against you, well, I think it’s obvious from your attempts to murder a human that you have failed in your mandate to watch over and guide human lives.”

“I was carrying out my mandate to guide human lives,” she bit out.  “I was guiding the humans by making an example out of one guilty of particularly egregious violations.”

“And had you succeeded, you would have impoverished all of Heaven, for the Matriarch of the Temple to All Heaven is indispensable in the collection of offerings.  Hence, you failed in your duty to your fellow gods!”

Muttering filled the hall.  None of the gods wanted to return to those lean days before we established the Temple to All Heaven.

“Cowards!  Traitors!”

Screeching like an insane bat demon, the Goddess of Life raised her arms and shot willow leaf blades at me – or tried to.  The baggy, oversized robes tangled her up, and then Dusty was there, kicking and stomping her.  Den blasted her into the floor with a gout of water, and the willow leaves clattered harmlessly down the steps of the dais.

In the stunned silence, Floridiana pointed dramatically at the Goddess of Life.  “Treason!  She attacked Their Heavenly Majesties!”

“Treason!” boomed the Duke of Thunder, leaping to his feet.  His chair overturned and crashed to the floor behind him.  “Treason!”

“She attacked the Jade Empresses!” shouted the Duchess of Lightning.

“Defend the Jade Empresses!” called the God of Thieves, sounding rather as if he were enjoying himself.

A horde of gods surged forward, surrounding the dais and helping Dusty and Den tie up the Goddess of Life (now that she’d already been subdued).

“Did you ever think you’d live to see the day when the gods flung themselves between you and your enemy?” Aurelia whispered.

“Nope.  Did you?”

I could have sworn she rolled her eyes.  Just the tiniest bit.  Then she raised her voice.  “Goddess of Life!  We find you guilty of failing at your mandate and your duty to your fellow gods, and of physically attacking the persons of the Jade Empresses!  For these most heinous crimes, We sentence you to reincarnate as a flea!  Fiat!  Let it be done!”

“Fiat.”  Never had I uttered a word with so much satisfaction.  “Let it be done.”

“No!” screamed the Goddess of Life.  “No no no!  Not a flea!  Not a flea!”

But no one listened to her as a horde of gods bore her out of the hall, bundled up in her robes like an oversized silkworm.

///

Although I’d wondered whether the trial might be enough to lure Lady Fate out of her compound to make Well-I-personally-foresaw-it-all-five-hundred-years-ago pronouncements, she was, alas, too crafty (or too cowardly) for that.  So we moved on to the next part of our plan.

Once the Goddess of Life’s shrieking had faded away, Aurelia proclaimed, “Now We shall confirm the new Bureau Directors.”

The expressions that greeted that announcement ranged from resigned to disgruntled to positively gleeful (mostly the minor gods and imps).

“First: the Bureau of Reincarnation.  Clerk Flicker, step forth to receive your seals.”

For this ceremony – and only for the duration of this ceremony, we’d had to reassure the suspicious imps and Accountants – we had collected all the seals.  Now Floridiana held up a casket containing the five seals of Reincarnation.

A lot of rustling ensued as gods craned their heads to check the Kitchen God’s reaction.  He simply beamed back at them and popped a white sugar rice cake into his mouth.  Thanks to Katu’s efforts in Goldhill, his offerings had continued unabated, and his robes strained across his belly.  That seemed to be enough for him.

Flicker positively strode down the aisle – Floridiana had coached him on how to walk with confidence, just as she’d once coached Lodia – and bowed before the dais.  When he straightened, he and Aurelia traded a quick smile while the gods nodded knowingly.

“Clerk Flicker, We name you Director of Reincarnation,” Aurelia intoned.  “Your mandate is to oversee the reincarnation system so it rewards true goodness and progress.  Carry it out justly and well.”

Floridiana snapped the lid of the casket shut and held it out to him.  He accepted with both hands, bowed to her, and then again more deeply to the two of us.  “Thank you, Heavenly Majesties.  I vow to carry out my mandate justly and well.”

I allowed everyone to see how I favored him with a smile.  “We know you will.”

He and Aurelia stared googly-eyed at each other until Floridiana cleared her throat.  Then Aurelia flushed and Flicker hastily stepped back.

We repeated this process for the rest of the Bureaus, confirming our friends and re-confirming gods who’d sworn fealty to us and who Aurelia judged had done a reasonable job in the past.  We did have another interruption when Floridiana and Den stared sappily at each other after he was confirmed as the new Dragon Commander.  Lovebirds!  Save me from their mushiness!

And then it was time to spring our trap.

“Lady Fate!” I called.  “Come forth!”

Here was the moment when it all depended on how her moon blocks landed.  Would she call our bluff?  Would she actually show up to claim her re-confirmation and pledge eternal fealty to us?  Everyone in the hall waited.

And waited.

And waited.

“Where is she?” someone whispered.

“Is she ignoring a summons from the rulers of Heaven?” muttered another.

What do you fear more? I thought at Lady Fate.  Irrelevance – or ME?

Still no sign of her arrival.

“This is outrageous!” Den exclaimed, loudly so everyone could hear him.  “To defy a direct command from the Jade Empress!”

White Night, now officially Director of Accounting, materialized an abacus so everybody could watch him tick the beads.  “Yes, yes, that is a violation of the Code of Heaven.  Treason, even.  The punishment is death, of course.”

“Death!” objected Bobo, right on cue but with no less sincerity for having been premeditated.  “That’s too sssevere!”

“That is the punishment decreed by the Code,” replied Flicker serenely, “and we have resolved to apply the Code justly to all.”

“Oh…but, but…what if sssomething happened to her?  What if ssshe can’t come?  What if ssshe…ssshe…fell and broke her ssspine and can’t move?  What if she got really really sssick?”

“And none of her employees could be bothered to send a message to Their Heavenly Majesties?” retorted Floridiana.

“Maybe…maybe it’s catching!  Like the Black Death!  Maybe they’re all too sssick to move.”

That, I thought, recalling Lady Fate’s cadaverous lieutenants and frankly terrifying cat, seemed unlikely in the extreme.  From the rumblings in the hall, our audience agreed.

But they’re all gods, pointed out Stripey, also playing his role to perfection.  Do gods even get sick?

“Oh…oh…but, but….”  Bobo gyrated on her tail, genuinely searching for a way to save Lady Fate on the off-chance that her disobedience was involuntary.

Floridiana executed a quick, precise bow towards the dais.  “Heavenly Majesties, perhaps in Your infinite compassion and mercy, You might consider deferring the confirmation of a new Director of Fate?”

I donned a stern expression, copying the one the Jade Emperor had worn during my trial.  “Prime Minister, are you suggesting that We overlook direct defiance of Our command?”

“No, Heavenly Majesty, I simply suggest deferring a decision until such time as the condition of the employees at the Ministry of Fate can be ascertained.”

I looked down at our newly confirmed Directors, all of whom had been prepped ahead of time.

“I agree with the Prime Minister,” said Flicker.

“I do not.”  White Night’s voice was clipped, and with each word, an abacus bead clicked.  “The law is the law.”

“There must be room in the law for mercy,” argued Den.

“Hear, hear,” said the imp who was now Director of the Sky, and the rest all nodded and backed her up.

“It appears that Our advisers have reached a consensus,” Aurelia pronounced.  “Co-Jade Empress Piri, shall we extend clemency to Lady Fate?”

It didn’t require any acting for me to press my lips together in distaste.  “Very well then, Co-Jade Empress Aurelia.  Let Us defer a decision on the fate of Lady Fate.  However, as the entire Ministry of Fate is apparently incapacitated and incapable of carrying out its mandate, and as we now have a Bureau of Accounting that is capable of modeling and calculating predictions, We hereby abolish the Ministry of Fate and all positions associated with it.  Fiat.  Let it be done.”

“Fiat,” Aurelia repeated, “Let it be done.”

I waited a heartbeat, half-expecting Lady Fate to appear in the doorway and utter some sham prophecy that would sway the gods to her side.

Nothing.  The doorway stayed empty.

The gods, star sprites, and imps stared at me expectantly, while a couple star-child runners hopped with excitement.  The mini-spies already knew what was coming next.

Addressing them directly, I proclaimed, “That is the end of official business for today.  Let the festivities commence!”

///

A/N: Thanks to my awesome Patreon backers, Autocharth, BananaBobert, cameron, Celia, Charlotte, Ed, Elddir Mot, Flaringhorizon, Fuzzycakes, Just a Kerbal, Kimani, Lindsey, Michael, TheLunaticCo, Tom, V0lcano, and Anonymous!