I ended my 10 year relationship and divorced my wife less than a year into owning a home

This is going to be a long one so buckle in...

(also a big note, her parents were born outside the US and there are some cultural differences in how they handle social situations)

My ex wife (29F) and I (30M) had been in a relationship for 10 years. We met in college through a mutual friend. Neither of us had been in a relationship before, so we spent most of that time learning together. I was a very reserved person at that time, and found it really difficult to stand up for myself, so most of the time she ended up using that against me by trying to control the situation.

Learning more about her past and her family dynamics, I could understand why she was like this. Her mom and dad we emotionally abusive and borderline physically abusive. I had never experienced this sort of thing as my parents are still happily together. I did point out a few times where I felt they were trying to control her too much (making her call them every single day, and getting upset if she didn't).

For the first year or two things were great, we spent almost every day together and truly loved each others company. About 2 years into our relationship I lost my job, and was having a rather difficult time dealing with unresolved anxiety. My wife talked to her parents about it and they suggested we move across the country to live with them. Since I had trouble standing up for myself, I was pressured into saying yes. She also made me be the one to tell our landlord that we were breaking our lease, and refused to deal with the consequences of that (my parents ended up paying our rent until they found a new renter). Regardless, I agreed to move and we packed our things to drive across the country.

Immediately upon arriving, I could tell something felt off. We had been told by her parents that they would be moving out and that we would take over the house, since my wife adored the house she grew up in. The problem was her father dropped a bombshell on us that he was now refusing to move out, and we would have to live with him. (her parents had a very toxic relationship and refused to divorce, but didn't want to live together). This was a bit of a shock for me as I wasn't expecting to live with him, but I had also just used all my money and resources to move across the country and didn't have a job so I was kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

After talking to my wife for a while, we agreed that we didn't have much of a choice and reluctantly accepted the offer to live with him. Things were tense from the start. Any time I would go in the kitchen and her dad was there, he would take the opportunity to talk to me. Not like casual conversation, but like I want to talk about this thing that I have interest in for hours on end. I have always been a polite person so I had a hard time putting boundaries in place, and ended up just listening to what he had to say while trying to make hints that I wanted to leave (due to cultural and past family issues, he didn't pick up on these hints).

My wife got a job before I did, so I was often at home alone with him (he was retired). These conversations started on random topics, but eventually started to revolve around issues that he and his wife were having. I didn't feel comfortable talking about their relationship problems, and expressed that a few times, but was told that I "didn't want to be a part of the family if I didn't want to talk about it".

I ended up spending a solid 2 months in our room, not leaving unless I absolutely had to, because I would get cornered every time I did. (Actually ended up getting an eating disorder because I was starving myself). Once I did finally get a job, I felt better about the whole thing cause I was able to get out of the house during the day.

Things were fine (off and on issues) for about 3-4 years. It was just a constant situation of not knowing which of her parents would be in a bad mood and having to hear about it from the other. This lead to my wife and I spending more time trying to solve their issues, instead of working on our relationship.

In 2021 my wife got into a verbal fight with her mom over something stupid like "you didn't invite me to this thing that you didn't know you I wanted to be invited to it". My wife had had enough and told her mom that she was done talking to her. This created a very difficult situation to navigate, as we still lived in their house. I became a target for her parents at that point, being told to "control my wife", and that I was "the problem in this family". We did end up moving out into an apartment however. The entire time I was having to mediate conversations between my wife's parents and her, while also trying to coordinate a move. It was exhausting and it all culminated with her mom standing in front of our car yelling at us to give her the house keys even though we hadn't finished moving everything out.

This time in my life really messed me up and resulted in a serious amount of anxiety and depression. My wife and I both started going to therapy and working on ourselves. It seemed like we had finally gotten out of a terrible situation. Things were so good that we ended up buying our first home together two years later.

It was about this time that I started to deal with some serious anxiety around our relationship. I didn't see it at the time, but my friend was able to point out that my wife was being really rude to me in public situations and putting me down every chance she could. I would have daily panic attacks and worry about her getting home and me not having dinner prepared, or not greeting her right, or just having a hard time dealing with the 4 years we spent in her parents house. She even told me "I just wish you would get better already". My friend (who was the first friend I had seriously made since moving) was trying to help me see these issues for what they were, and I was constantly asking if I was just the crazy one.

After about 6-7 months of owning a home, I ended up losing the job that I had at that time, and it put a tremendous amount of financial strain on us. To make things worse she started to blame me for not making enough money, when she made more money than I did, and spent over half of it on a truck and two horses. Any time I mentioned that we may not be able to afford this lifestyle anymore, I would be told I was "shitting on her dreams".

This is where I may have messed up...

I became good friends with my boss, who is an older woman who was also married and had a son. It wasn't ever a question of something more than friends, she was just there to help me sort through all my shit, not only because she was my friend, but because she was my boss and could see how much everything was affecting me. It was the first time I had someone ask me "are you okay?" since I was always feeling like my issues were non-issues compared to my wife.

I am fully aware that being friends with another woman was threatening to my wife, and tried my best to be as transparent about things as possible. My wife actually ended up liking my friend and we all were on good terms for a few years.

Then she let her mom back into the situation... even though I said I wanted nothing to do with her because of how I was treated. She manipulated the situation to get me to say yes.

It was shortly after losing my job that I had to get a new phone, and I left my old phone at home. Hadn't had a chance to factory reset it yet. My wife went through my messages with my friend. The last thing I had said was that I was thankful for her being a part of my life, because I didn't have any other friends. My wife freaked out on me, and said I was "emotionally cheating" on her. She wouldn't even give me a chance to talk to her about it, I just became the villain in her story. She ended up going to stay with a friend of hers, and it just got to a point where I had to end things.

Not only did she call my mom to tell her what had happened (my mom had no idea what was going on in our relationship), she told my mom I was suicidal and that I needed to "go home to be with her so she can fix me, because that is her job". That was the last straw for me, and I ended the relationship. So not only did I lose my job, I got divorced, had to list our house for sale, and deal with an unemployment issue that resulted in me falling 3 months behind on bills. The ONLY thing that kept me sane during this was my friend. She offered for me to live with her and her son while the house was being prepped for sale, and I am forever grateful for that.

All this happened last year and I am finally to a point where things are settling down. Despite this being an insane situation, I am grateful it happened because it showed me how to stand up for myself. What better age to blow up your life to start fresh than 30 right?! LOL