R/ocd help

hey my first post....

I have a history of ocd flare ups which generally focuses on feeling love for my children/family... with a few other themes mixed in.

I've been doing well for a couple years ..

until recently I had a thought that I didn't really love my partner..( for context I left my long term partner a year ago... and met someone new at work who I've been with for the past 8months) its been a difficult year dealing with abusive messages from my ex and trying to be a good mum to my children ....

just wondering if anyone can relate to these feelings/thoughts. I guess I'm reassurances seeking but have felt so low the past couple days I need to speak to people that may understand.

I'm constantly analysing my feelings for him.
Imagining scenarios of going to his house and seeing him at the door and not feeling excited to see him like I usually would.

He always messages me when he wakes up which I used to look forward to but now the sound of my phone buzzing kick starts my anxiety.
feel like I'm lying when I say I love you and I'm leading him on.
Feeling when I'm going to see him I'm going to tell him it's over because I don't feel the same which feels VERY real.. which leads to anxiety OR no feeling.
I have to cuddle a silly wee toy he gave me every night but feel sad when it doesn't give me relief. Or carefully look after things he has given me. Spend all day googling my thoughts

telling myself I'm only staying with him because I don't want to hurt him, or make things hard at work. Phrases like 'whirlwind romance' get stuck in my head. or just a phase

trying to remember all the happy times laughing or being out together but can't feel the happiness .

he used to always make me laugh now my head tells me I just feel irritated.
sometimes bad thoughts he could be a bad person.

I can hardly eat , feel so sick and guilty constantly. Can't bare going on like this Thinking about him24/7 trying to feel how I felt just a couple weeks aho but my head says it's all been a lie....

also feels more intense when I'm with him

any advice or support appreciated.