I've wasted my life being hurt by something my wife did 20 years ago (re-post, accidentally deleted first post)

Not sure if this is allowed here.

M38 I've struggled with self-loathing, hypersexuality, depression, and ADHD my whole life. I've only had sex with one person and I really feel like such a loser because of that. But there's something that makes it worse.

I've been with the same partner since about the end of high school. We had our first time together. After we were together for about a year we broke up for a short time. We got back together shortly after, and have been together ever since. But in that time we were split up she slept with other people including a good friend of mine at the time. I was absolutely devastated about it all when we got back together, in fact I never got over it and it hurts me to this day.

In hindsight, I know I shouldn't have got back with her. At least not right away. No normal person would get back together with someone who did something so awful. I willingly put myself into a world of years of depression. Because I had horrible abandonment issues, and I was so obsessed with this one girl who had just hurt me so fucking bad. I tried to forget about it for years but, being hypersexual, I of course obsessed about it constantly. I thought about it every day, and pictured them together in my mind which just made it all hurt me worse and worse.

Anyway, we're married now. I've been in therapy recently and bringing all this up again has thrown me into a crisis. I love her so much, but I'm still holding onto so much resentment towards her.

But what's worse is, I am SO jealous that she got to sleep with other people and I didn't. In the years after that my confidence died a slow and painful death. I lost interest in everything I enjoyed. I'm barely a shell of the person I used to be and it's all cause of this. I feel like if I had gone out and slept with some other people, it would have done wonders for my confidence after having that happen. I'm obsessed with sex, and I never got to have sexual experiences with other people, and it's by far my biggest regret. I never got to be crazy and have fun, and she did. I hate myself for this.

As I said I love her dearly. I think our relationship is really strong right now. But after getting this all back in my brain all this time later, I want to sleep with other people more than ever before. I feel like I need to before it's too late. I only want to be in a relationship with her, but I'm hypersexual, and she has never liked having sex anywhere near as often as I want it. She also doesn't really want the same things out of sex as I do.

I have talked to her about it since starting tharapy. She knows I was deeply hurt from what happened. But I don't know how to tell her about the jealousy, or if I should.

I of course have used masturbation to help cope for my whole life. But I long for the feel of another person. Sex makes me feel satisfied, masturbation makes me feel empty and ashamed.

I'm so lost right now. I wish I hadn't wasted my life being hurt by this. I wish I had went out and had fun.