My confession

I wanted to share my experience with God.

When I was a child, I believed in Him because my surroundings did. Later, I stopped because, first, I never understood faith; second, I didn't like the people who called themselves believers (they went against their own faith, just hiding behind it); and third, the new people around me didn't believe either, and those who did no longer had such power over me.

About 13 years passed. Then it became popular to be spiritual, so I joined in too. I was a sheep; the only thing I cared about was keeping people around me and having them like me (often unsuccessfully). I had quite a few relationships behind me: friendships, work ones, romantic... After breaking up with my boyfriend at the time, my self-esteem plummeted terribly. I had given up a lot for him, and yet he lied to me. As always, it ended in betrayal, but this time my thought processes went in a different direction. Before my eyes, I saw all my relationships so far, of every kind. I realized that they all ended because of me, not them. I realized that I had let them behave that way, that I had closed my eyes to everything as long as it could be endured, that I did it because I was alone and didn't love myself, and I wanted to borrow love from someone else. I liked them and treated them nicely, giving them pieces of myself just so they would give something back. People who genuinely liked me seemed boring; I never had to try for them—they were always there, and I left them for more exciting people, people I had to try for. I was a dog, fawning, manipulating, hurting myself and those around me, and always pointing the finger at someone else. I was terribly self-centered and superficial. I didn't love myself. All of this hit me after it was clear we had broken up for good. I felt terrible pain—not because of the breakup, but because of the life I had lived so far.

That realization was awful for my psyche and body. That day, I had to go on a business trip to sort something out; I finished the meeting with the client late in the evening. I was glad they no longer wanted my services—I didn't like them anyway—but now I had no job or any other income. None of it mattered, because I felt I deserved it. That I deserved all the bad things that had happened to me so far. I gave up. It was a warm summer evening, few people outside, a long way home ahead of me, and I had a bit of weed left in my pocket. I'd had it for years as an escape from reality; I quit for a few months, then started again with that ex-boyfriend. It was the last weed I had left, enough for about 5 hits. I took one hit. Two. Three. Each time after a longer pause, just watching my surroundings. With each hit, it got nicer, and I felt better. I got on the bus and sat facing backward.

And that's when it happened.

It feels like explaining colors to a blind person; I think it can't be understood until a person experiences it themselves.As I looked out the window, it was as if my consciousness expanded, and I was able to perceive things I normally couldn't. As if I had tuned my consciousness to something that had been blocked from me until now. I didn't feel fear. On the contrary, I felt peace like never before, as if it was natural but I had never used it. That's when I sensed Him. God. He didn't introduce Himself. He didn't tell me who He was. I knew. He didn't speak to me in words in my head. If you've read Eragon, the communication between the rider and his dragon feels like the closest so far. They weren't words I could grasp. But it was a mixture of emotions, feelings, assurances. As if I felt someone who loves me smiling at me. I felt it with my whole body. In that time, He let me understand what kind of love He feels. It felt like I was experiencing love for the first time in my life. I felt how He perceives all people on earth as His children, and I understood why He's also called Father. It was unconditional love. Endless and utterly sincere. He loves everyone equally—and by that, I mean everyone. He didn't explain anything more to me; I think He just let me understand what I needed in that moment. I also asked Him things that are personal between Him and me; He answered with feelings, and He answered me live with words I caught outside the window, with music that switched in my headphones. I was so happy. There's not a single doubt in my heart about what He revealed to me.

To add, how can I be sure it was God and not the effects of the weed? As I said, I was used to weed and it never happened to me like that, even in different emotional states. The reason I know it was Him is that His presence wasn't foreign, and I knew who it was even though I'd never been in contact with Him. I don't know how to explain it. It was as if it was automatic. His presence in my mind wasn't foreign; I just perceived it now, but as if I'd known all my life that it was Him. As if I was born with that information to recognize Him when He revealed Himself.

I tried smoking again after a week; I wanted to talk to Him again, but it didn't happen. I understood that it can't be forced artificially. That I have to open my heart to God, and then I can perceive Him, but that He'll be with me the whole time and love me the whole time.

Since then, I haven't smoked. I also haven't perceived God since then.

One might think that since then I've become a strong believer and my whole life has changed completely, but no. I was unemployed, returned to my family, worked in the garden, and took care of all the housework; I stopped buying anything for myself except a few small things that was nesesary; I stopped going out with "friends"; I started exercising and stretching every day. This period was my purification time. I was discovering my new version.

After a year of this routine, I feel like a new person. My last cigarette was more than 2 years ago, weed more than a year ago, I no longer drink alcohol like I used to (on average 4-5 days a week), but max a glass of wine 2x a year; I stopped eating badly and keep improving. I try not to blame mistakes on others anymore; I try to think differently. I perceive myself more than ever before and build love for myself every day.

It changed my life, step by step, and now I'm entering a completely new chapter of my life and starting something I've never done before. I realize that everything I have is a privilege I was born with. I have a healthy body, a healthy mind, I have food to eat, a place to sleep, I'm comfortable in every season, I adore my body and realize what it all does for me, I have people around me who can take care of me, I have somewhere and someone to return to, I have so many gifts, and I'm grateful for all of them. Every time I'm angry or sad, I remind myself of that, and also that I'm never alone, that He is always with me and He loves me.

This is my confession. Thank you for your time reader.

Do you have some kind of similar connection to Him?