Struggling with loneliness during slow opening

Hi ENM people of Reddit. I am someone who mostly just lurks here (used to comment more under a different account). Now I need some support/advice.

I (38M, questioning) am married to (38F, bisexual) for 10+ years. We have kids, a mortgage, and a whole life together. Three years ago my spouse brought up ENM (specifically polyamory). She suggested it would help us both have more community, love, support, and also be a solution to our mismatched desires for touch, sex and kink (I have the higher appetite, while she often feels over-touched {motherhood} and has chronic health issues which diminish her libido).

When she brought up poly, I spent a year feeling devastated and insecure (I already struggle with anxiety) - but willing to learn and talk about it. I also felt cheated on while she explored a flirty dynamic with a crush/friend, and we both damaged trust (dishonesty on her part, privacy betrayal on my part). Now we’ve had two years of genuinely healing that damage, and are both feeling pretty safe/trusting again. I’ve spent these two years genuinely developing an interest in ENM, engaging in a tonne of research, and a decent amount of journaling and therapy (I think I would genuinely be interested in ENM even if my spouse and I split). We’ve had numerous productive conversations (some with a poly-informed therapist), and have built up new norms around independent friendships and time away from home/family life. We’re trying to be slow and considerate about the “opening up” process (re “most skipped steps”).

Meanwhile, I am struggling with our lack of touch, romance, and sex. I feel like I do all the chasing/flirting. I plan most of the dates. I spark most of the check-ins around feelings. I constantly feel rejected and unwanted (and also unsupported, she doesn’t really ever ask me how I’m feeling). Sex is down to once a month (my body would prefer twice a week). I feel like I’m doing everything I can to create a comfortable environment at home - I’m a feminist man who tries to do my fair share of chores, childcare and mental load. I constantly try to manage a balance emotional intimacy and healthy distance. I go elsewhere for emotional support as much as possible, but I’m vulnerable/honest when she’s open to it. When she does want to have sex, I’m very giving in the bedroom (she has more orgasms than me).

A few months ago, I got the ball rolling about an actual written ENM agreement. I wrote up my thoughts about categories for an agreement, my preferences and boundaries, and shared them with her. We had a really good conversation, and then I backed off, gave her space to read, reflect, and write down her thoughts.

And now here I am months later, feeling very frustrated. I’m still feeling lonely and touch-starved. She does show love and care, and reassures me that she wishes she had more energy, but that doesn’t actually do anything to satisfy my physical and romantic needs. I can’t ask her for “more.” But then, I also can’t yet go elsewhere to get my needs met, because we don’t have an agreement yet! Yesterday I brought it up, “I’m struggling, I want to keep the poly conversation going,” her response “I’m tired, and next few weeks are very busy.“

BUT I NEED A CHANGE! It’s building to resentment. I feel like a flame inside of me is dying. It makes me want to push the poly conversation, but I would feel like an inconsiderate asshole if I pushed us to open faster for my own selfish reasons. And I worry it would make her depression worse to see me eagerly get ready for dates (if I have success finding other partners and she doesn’t). And I worry it would make my anxiety and loneliness worse if she goes out and dates other people but continues to reject me at home.

Sorry this was so long, thank you to anyone who read the whole thing. Does anyone have any advice? Am I making the classic “relationship broken, add more people” mistake? Has anyone been in similar shoes (from hesitant to eager,because of dead bedroom) and made it work?