Tapering at home with klonopin/benzos. Why did I wait so long to rip the bandaid off?

First off, I know first-hand how difficult it is to get over the hump on actually doing this. I avoided it for the longest time for several reasons. This is going to be long because I’m mostly working through my own thoughts.

1. I didn’t want to go through dealing with judgment and rejection from doctors. My lifelong GP was frankly a mean bitch and would scold me for the smallest things on my bloodwork. I told her I drank too much when I was like 25. When AST/ALT came back high, she told me I had hepatitis and might have months to live. I was cranking down TUMS like Skittles (because I was drinking too much), and she called to tell me I had cancer. All of this of course went away when I cut down, but the damage was done in my mind. Doctors = danger/fear/worry/shame. I would just get scolded for drinking if I ever asked for help—something I already felt shame/guilt over. This was the biggest obstacle for me. I avoided doctors entirely for a decade because of this.

2. Minimizing my own problem. I was “functional” but that included drinking every single night, not always to get drunk but often so. I still made it into work every day, never got a DUI, maintained my relationships (though far less present and effectively than I should have). My mental health was getting worse but I was holding it together. At least for a while.

3. I was afraid that I wouldn’t qualify for life insurance if I had AUD on my record. This was AFTER I had been rejected for life insurance 2x because of elevated liver enzymes and didn’t follow up with the MIB (basically your credit profile for life insurance companies). Note: if you are young and don’t have fucked up bloodwork/health issues yet, get life insurance in place (20-year level term) in case you end up with kids and a bigger problem down the road. Ask me how I know.

4. Ego. I thought I was smart enough that I could reason my way into sobriety. No brag but I’m fairly intelligent and pretty successful despite the Stoli. I can do this shit on my own. It was only people who were dumb/living under a bridge/complete crash out alkies that need detox. For me that was tapering. Oh fuck me, I researched and tapered, researched and tapered. I bet I could recite the HAMS guide word for word at this point. I was “tapering” for like 5 years but never could get lasting sobriety. I’d usually only get down to 3–5 drinks, then go right back to the bottle that weekend.

5. Anxiety is the cause of and reprieve found from my alcoholism. I was worried that if I sought help, my psych would take away my Xanax script. This is like the Will Ferrell skit on SNL: “I need to sell my blood to afford my hepatitis medication, but the donation center won’t accept my blood until I take my hepatitis medication.” See also: googling quitting drinking and getting results that are basically “YOU WILL FUCKING DIE IF YOU QUIT COLD TURKEY FROM A GLASS OF WINE A NIGHT!” Social media doesn’t help, either. This led to #3.

6. AA. I’m not going to bash AA because it seems groups are wildly different, and I did experience some of the shitty/judgy/cultish behavior I see others complain about in some groups (I tried many). I found a group that is totally non-judgmental and generally very kind and sweet, but if you didn’t find a group like that, I totally get it if you hate the program. My first sponsor had a drill instructor approach and I got 30 days my first attempt, which is longer than I had gone since high school. But also, AA is not a program to get you sober (at least in my experience). I can see it helping people to stay sober by working through their fears/resentments in life, learning to be patient and kinder to others, etc. But if you are day drunk on a Tuesday, you’re too far gone to fuck with any of that yet. You gotta get over the hump first. It did encourage me that lasting sobriety is possible, but I didn’t know how to get there.

7. I have responsibilities. I can’t go to detox/rehab for a fucking month. People casually suggest this like it’s NBD. See also: #1 and 2.

About 2 years ago I found out about naltrexone (see #4, research will save me again) and sought out a doctor to write it for me. I found a local doctor and I was legit sweating and on the verge of a panic attack walking into his office. I told him he can’t take my BP because I have white coat (and hypertension but w/e). I explained how much I feared doctors, my past experience, etc. He nodded his head and said all of that was totally understandable, and that is why he started his practice. I told the truth about my drinking. He didn’t scold me or tell me I was a fuck up. He offered to help if I was open to it. I wept in his office like a baby. It was a tremendous weight off my shoulders. He also helped me with the pre-diabetes I was developing and get my BP under control.

Tried nal/TSM for 9 months and it just wasn’t for me. Side effects were too intense and never really resolved. I kept drinking daily. It ramped up, and I started day drinking around Thanksgiving. My mental health collapsed—worst depression/anxiety I have ever felt. I was suddenly no longer as functional as I once was. Started missing work. My AA sponsor broke up with me and kicked me from a text group I was in when I needed help most. That hurt, and was completely unnecessary. For this reason, I understand why AA gets so much hate. I remind myself it is a group of sick people with severe demons, not necessarily good people. My current sponsor could not be any more different (in a good way) than this guy. Honestly, fuck him.

After a lot of misery and several more failed tapers, AA meetings (where I found the group/sponsor that doesn’t suck), I finally threw in the towel. I felt so guilty and that I let my doctor down, because I really wanted TSM to work so badly. AA wasn’t helping me get sober. It was the first time I started to think the universe would be better off without me.

Earlier this week I reached out and asked my doctor if I should go to medical detox, because I was midway through ANOTHER FUCKING TAPER (no sleep, night sweats, crippling anxiety/fear/doom/shame) and I’m at my wits’ end. Told him I was sorry and felt like I failed.

He brought me in and wrote me a script for Klonopin (long acting benzo that stops W/D symptoms) to detox with at home. Told me to just stop cold turkey, take these for 7 days (follow instructions exactly!). The pharmacist looked disgusted but I didn’t give a fuck. My doc recommended an IOP that my insurance covers and I start next week. It is not 12-step based but a modern focus on CBT and relapse prevention.

Last night I slept like a baby. It was my first AF night in almost 4 months. Still had some night sweats but the terror/insomnia combo that always drove me back to drinking was gone.

I feel like I can do this and I wish I would have done it sooner.

TLDR: I had come up with many reasons to not get help, tapering was becoming the definition of insanity for me, found a doctor whose not a nick, and I’m detoxing comfortably at home with meds.