I’m a 40 year old black man, was raised in the south and I saw this mindset when it was at its all time worse growing up in the 90s. My dad was on it early that this mindset wasn’t going to exist in his house but I witnessed. Little boys being yelled at by their dads and sometimes moms because they didn’t have enough bass in their voice or because they cried like normal humans do.

A couple of my homeboys started looking at me sideways because I wore a pink shirt, because they were taught by their families and by society that there were certain colors boys couldn’t wear. This mindset was instilled in them from a young age. Some of the guys I knew. homeboys or not—were even afraid to enjoy simple, good music if it was made by a woman, because they had been conditioned to believe that men couldn’t listen to female artists, and that women were only supposed to be admired romantically, not artistically. Not only these things, but there were countless other arbitrary rules that are not, and should never be, associated with sexuality or masculinity.

As I got older, especially in the 2000s and 2010s, I began to see a cultural shift. More men began realizing, “Hey, I can do this and still be straight.” “I can watch this movie and it doesn’t define my sexuality.” “I can wear this color because it has nothing to do with who I’m attracted to.” More men began to realize what my dad had already realized back in the 80s. that these unnecessary, fabricated, arbitrary rules placed on men, and heavily enforced within the Black community, held absolutely no real weight. However, many of the men who never evolved beyond those beliefs continued to pass them down to their sons, and sometimes even their daughters.

That’s why when I go on TikTok, I see little kids being called gay simply for not performing masculinity the way society expects them to. That’s why when my kids come home from school, I’m constantly hearing stories about another kid who got into trouble or into a fight because of this same mindset.

This is also why the term “sassy” has become so normalized, with women using it to label men who don’t conform to their personal definition of masculinity. This contributes to why this generation of men is more lonely and struggling to form meaningful friendships compared to my generation. Many of them don’t even know how to be friends with one another. They’ve been conditioned to believe that vulnerability between men is somehow gay or wrong—whether it’s talking on the phone, having deep conversations, or even going on trips together. I’ve even seen someone in here say his own homeboy got mad at him just for suggesting a guys trip.

Their generation’s mental health is at a low point. Social media plays a role, and so does being exposed to overwhelming amounts of information at a young age. But studies also show that restrictive gender norms contribute heavily to this, especially the idea that men cannot ask for help, cannot express emotions, and cannot seek therapy without their masculinity being questioned.

All of this ultimately ties back to the original picture at the top. Because some of you out there in the world—men and women are too stuck in outdated ways of thinking to let go of arbitrary rules that were never real to begin with. You cling to them simply because that’s how you were raised, or because you’ve never challenged those beliefs. Some of you out there in the world are still operating with an elementary or middle school mentality well into adulthood, genuinely believing that a color can determine a man’s sexuality, that expressing emotion makes a man weak, and that this false version of masculinity is the correct one. Even if you want to live within these rules. You do not have to call men who choose the freedom side gay or less of men.

Speaking as a father of two sons, we all have to do better for the next generation. It’s already difficult enough being a Black man in this world. We shouldn’t continue adding unnecessary burdens that were never real in the first place. Once you break free from that way of thinking, you realize it was all an illusion designed to keep you confined in a box. When I say “you” I’m not speaking on most of you in this subreddit. A lot of you are very evolved when it comes to this. I’m speaking generally and to the few in this subreddit that hold up this position. 

Please stop this🤦🏾‍♂️ we have to end this fully as fathers and figures of the next generation.