Unspoken

I wish to grow closer, yet I'm a fool,

Ashamed by the love that claimed my soul.

I wish to be with her, it's "us" I seek,

Though I know no such fate will fate choose to bring.

This emotion has me in its grasp—

Or perhaps it's left in mine.

Do I wish to love and hate my love,

Or do I wish to ignore its signs?

It exists in my every alley—

The corners of my mind.

My soul knows what it wants to feel.

My heart knows what it longs to find.

I am my own prosecutor,

I am the jury of this court—

In my mind is no attorney

To allow me peace of any sort.

I feel forced to tuck my love away,

Somewhere she won't see in mere moments.

I wish I could pour my heart to her,

Rather than a paper for my laments.

I truly did nothing wrong—

Even still, I feel remorse.

I thought I charted ev'ry fate,

Yet still I'd been thrown out of comfort, veered off course.

"I love you" are words I long to say,

Yet I long to long them not.

To accept my love yet hate it whole,

How cruel are these consuming thoughts.

They've read my sorrows— every woe—

But this is my only write;

The only write I'll never show,

The only one to stay out of sight.

If she sees this longing cry—

If she sees this dismal croak—

I'll regret my actions from past til now,

And in Lethe I'll pray to soak,

To rid my mind of dreams

fractured by the truth.

This terrible chill crosses my heart,

I know the cause. There is no cure.

If I ever utter those three cruel words,

I'll lose a dear friend; I'll lose peace; I'll lose her

I'll hide this. Protect this.

I can't let any eye bear witness.

If such a thing were ever to happen,

I'll be left in silence, alone, without solace.

Let this be my overture,

The single escape others can't see.

The one I write for me alone,

Because if she saw, I weep for what would be.

Yet still, I wish to show her.

I want my heart to be hers to see.

I despise myself in all my love,

For the future to be caused by me.

———

For further context on one of the more obscure metaphors, Lethe is a river from Greek mythology located in Hades, or Hell. Those who drank or bathed in it forgetting their earthly lives, sorrows, worries, or regrets. It ultimately represents forgetfulness, letting go, and the act of moving on.