Experience somethings, Everything about

Experience. So far I am about to be 2 months sober within another week and a half probably. I had quit back on January 5th and just wanted to talk about a lot of the positives. 1st the fuck just wanted to say ohhhh my godddd the mental clarity is just absolutely lovely, I've never felt so present in my life, it's like seeing clearer but in your head, I don't feel slow no more and days feel longer because it feels like the capacity at which I take information in is just so much less foggy. I also wanted to say that feeling emotions is something I now can say without a doubt is what I needed, I was neglecting my emotions so there was a fuckton of build up and dead ass the first 2 weeks I just fucking sobbed my life out everytime I came back from work. And holy shit I really needed that, and just wanted to say that a lot of interests I had before weed actually have started coming back and it just reminds me of how I used to live before I depended on these leafy leaves.

Somethings. This is gonna be a lot so I just really wanted to say I miss it. I don't think I ever will "not" miss it because it was something I really depended on, but like most missing of something I just really gotta look for different ways to just go on about my life. Weed was something not just cuz I really loved how it made me feel, but in some cases like almost all, I thought it was helping me, the innovation stage usually leaves whenever you start using it to numb any kind of depressing shit honestly. The moment I started smoking after fucked up shit in my life I honestly remember thinking... "well fuck, I feel better now". Even at 17 I knew that was a bullshitty way to use it. Something to also bring up was now that I'm okay, I'm having to learn to do things again after being so dependent on it, like literally talking to people, and some hobbies I made when I would usually be high doing them, going to the gym was something I picked up on being stoned as fuck, and now I'm finding it to be boring, I started also really getting into poetry then, and philosophy, same goes for any hobbies whatsoever, and a lot of stuff has became boring. But I'm not too negative about it because I know deep down my body is just learning again, it's like literally getting rid of something your body would USE to live day by day ever since "now". I've tried quitting multiple times during this, I even remember last year during January in my journal I even wrote my desire to quit I remember that, I journaled my relationship how it was a root cause in why I was fucking up. Yet I still just did it? I stopped taking medicine for it. But I kept going because I accepted what my life was, the comfort, and the continous cycle of just seeing how people were able to progress with it and live amazing lives. But I can't. I remember understanding sometime in December that no matter how much people I saw "do it", that I physically and mentally will never be able to do it without falling and falling again, because simply I can't, and I have evidence that I can't. So I just had became the best professional liar to myself and lost all confidence whatsoever.

Everything about. There is a lot of negatives, a lot, not just about the weed but through out my life, but one thing I do kind of always remind myself is despite the weed being something that I guess provoked my innovation that actually it was always me, not the Marijuana, that times I had did my best, it was always me, not the Marijuana, that when I was most proudest of myself it was because I simply did what I didn't want to. Life will suck, life will always fucking suck I promise. But I know it's what I consciously keep in my life that I choose how much it will suck ass and balls. And I'm just fed up with weed. Not just that but there is more variables and this is just one step of the way, day by day I will actively add and subtract from my life, sometimes a day will suck, sometimes it won't, my balance is something I will work really fucking hard for to keep steady, it doesn't matter how much I fucking fall, but how much I put into getting back up. And seeing how much people want to change their life for the best makes me so fucking happy to know I'm not the only one out there that just one day realized "well fuck weed bro cuz what?". Something that really helped me actually grow was to sonder. And just see how lovely life can be when I look into beyond of our physical presence and embrace the smallest things I would usually look past. And one of those things are my mistakes, and just be better. And that takes so much fucking ups and downs. I know it won't be absolute from here, but I will do my best to continuously make the best decisions for myself to be proud of my only life left.