What I thought was severe burnout turned out to be something else. Something worse.

I’m a first-generation immigrant who moved to the U.S. alone as a single woman. I came from poverty in my home country and worked relentlessly to build a life here. After years of grinding, I landed a six-figure job in big tech. I gave everything to get here.

I’ve been at a large tech company for about five years. It wasn’t always this intense. A few years ago, I joined one of the most sought-after orgs because my earlier portfolio felt weak and I needed stronger experience for long-term growth.

What I didn’t anticipate was the management culture. My manager is deeply ineffective, yet well protected by leadership. All of the managers across related teams are white men around the same age, and advancement feels highly dependent on being personally favored. Like, my male coworker calls my manager “buddy”, and has a chat outside of work where they chitchat. He stayed employed for not having made any impact for halves and yet was assigned the most impactful project.

The workload culture is extreme. Long hours are normalized, and people who aren’t visibly “all in” are quickly pushed out. Several of my close coworkers were laid off - all happen to my Asian women. It often feels like the bar is set differently for us.

At the same time, I was trying to build a second, more creative path outside of tech because I was already losing interest in the industry. As I became more senior at work however, juggling both became unsustainable.

It was when my health was already declining. I had an infection shortly after joining big tech, and from that point on my health steadily worsened, incrementally every month, every year. I saw multiple specialists, tried different medications and treatment plans, including psychiatry and therapy. Nothing stopped the decline.

Last year, it escalated suddenly. One day I couldn’t get out of bed or move properly. Even after multiple days, nothing improved. I went on an urgent medical leave. After extensive testing during medical leave, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness with no cure. I am now considered permanently disabled.

I kept extending medical leave and am now transitioning into long-term disability. During this PSC, despite working three-quarters of last year before collapsing, I received only a “met expectations” rating. It felt like the months I overextended myself counted for nothing.

My condition has fundamentally changed my life. I cannot function independently without assistance. I struggle with basic tasks like showering. I’m largely housebound. I’ve lost my social life, my identity, and the independence I fought so hard for. I am single. I have no spouse or family in the U.S. to rely on financially. If I cannot support myself, there is no safety net.

I’m also on an employment visa and in the middle of a green card process. If I lose my job, I risk losing my legal status. My company lays people off on parental leaves (I think this is a medical leave too?) all the time. I know they will find a way to terminate me, especially since I’ve already exhausted FMLA a long time ago, there’s no job protection.

Sometimes I ask God what I did wrong. I just wanted to escape poverty. I had so many things I wanted to achieve in this life. Never did I imagine a future like this. I have no hope; of course, I can’t think about my future. If I lie about my health and return to work to save my job, I’ll probably get laid off for low performance. If I stay being on leave, I’ll get laid off anyway. Once I get laid off, I won’t be able to find another job with this condition. I feel like I’m playing a game where any choice leads to a bad ending. guess I naively believed hard work would pay off. Instead, I’ve lost my health, and now I may lose my job, my money, everything - I haven’t even had a chance to find a partner, or build a family, it’s just me alone, in this disabled body.