struggling with guilt, faith, family, and my partner’s fears

salaam everyone 🤍 my fiancé and i are an interracial couple. i’m an asian muslim woman, born and raised muslim. he’s white and wasn’t religious before meeting me but has since reverted and is learning islam seriously. we met when we both identified as lesbians. since then, he’s come to identify as a trans man and we’re now a straight couple. i love him deeply, truly. just a few hours ago he told me he loves me “beyond life” and i feel the same way. i don’t regret meeting him for a second.

but lately i’ve been feeling conflicted and guilty. he worries a lot about being accepted, especially by my family. he’s asked multiple times whether my family would accept him as a man and i can tell it matters deeply to him. from the very beginning i warned him that being with a muslim woman isn’t easy. not because of me, but because of my family and culture. i’m not out and realistically, i don’t think i ever can be. my family will never accept a queer daughter or a queer marriage.

what hurts is that this isn’t the first time i’ve experienced this pattern. my previous partner (also white) also felt the need to dress and act like a man in front of my family to be accepted. now it feels like history repeating itself and i can’t shake the guilt, like my partners feel they have to change themselves for my family even though i never asked them to and never wanted that.

i’ve told my fiancé that i’m willing to leave and cut contact with my family to be with him because i’m exhausted from hiding my entire life and i want to choose my happiness. but he got very upset by that idea. he said my parents raised me, that i shouldn’t leave them behind, and today he sent me an ayah emphasizing the high and sacred status of parents in islam and told me that no matter what, i should honor them.

at the same time, he’s newer to islam and sometimes expresses fears about “doing things right,” going to jannah, and making sure i do too. i understand that this comes from love but sometimes it feels like my life choices are being weighed against religious expectations i didn’t choose in the same way he did.

i feel torn between my love for him, my faith (which i practice in a more liberal, personal way), my family who will never accept me, and the guilt that my partner feels pressured to change or “perform” masculinity to be accepted.

i don’t think he’s malicious. i actually feel sad for him coming from a very different upbringing and now navigating islam, gender, and an interracial relationship all at once. but i’m overwhelmed and scared of repeating cycles where i feel responsible for everyone else’s sacrifices.

i’d really appreciate hearing from queer muslims, especially those in interracial or interfaith dynamics or who’ve had to choose between family and happiness. how do you hold all of this without breaking? thank you for reading. <3

tl;dr: i’m an asian muslim woman in an interracial relationship with my white fiancé who recently reverted to islam and is a trans man. we love each other deeply but i’m struggling with guilt and conflict around faith, family, and identity. my family will never accept a queer marriage and i feel guilty that my partner seems to want to change or present more “like a man” to be accepted. i’m willing to leave my family to be with him but he’s uncomfortable with that and emphasizes honoring parents in islam. i’m more religiously liberal, he’s newer. i’m overwhelmed and scared of repeating patterns where i feel responsible for others’ sacrifices.