1 month post-DDay — found muted/deleted messages, unsure if reconciliation is possible (23F/24M)

Hi everyone,

I joined this group after finding out my WP (boyfriend) had been texting another girl behind my back for about a month we had been together for 1 year and 6 months.

Before I found out, we were already going through a rough patch. His car transmission went out, and he was unemployed for about a month before securing another job, but the pay wasn’t great. He was also struggling with a business he had just started. I really tried to be there for him the best way I could, and I felt like he was putting a lot of pressure on himself, especially for us to be so young and trying to figure life out.

At one point, I told him I didn’t think he should prioritize the business right now and that focusing on stability with his new job might make more sense my thinking was that without steady income, it would be hard to fund the business anyway. I’ll admit my tone could have been better when I said this. He later told me he interpreted my words as me saying he should quit his business entirely, which wasn’t my intention.

Fast forward to my DDay, exactly one month ago. I was trying to find one of his friend’s phone numbers because I wanted to ask if WP had mentioned anything he might want for Valentine’s Day. When I opened his messages, I noticed he had a muted thread. The contact wasn’t saved under a real name it was just a single letter. The preview message said, “hey love, u doing anything this weekend.”

My heart instantly dropped. When I opened the conversation, it was obvious messages had been deleted. When I confronted him, I could tell immediately he was guilty — he couldn’t even look me in the eyes. Eventually, he admitted he had been texting her. He insists nothing physical ever happened and that no sexual messages were exchanged. He says he didn’t actually like her and that he was feeling inadequate, stressed, and unheard at the time.

He told me they saw each other twice unintentionally while he was out trying to promote his business. I was so upset that I even reached out to the girl myself to hear her side, but she never replied.

He has taken accountability and admitted he shouldn’t have entertained her and that what he did was wrong. But now I feel like I’m the one stuck picking up the pieces of a mess I didn’t create.

After finding out, I chose to separate and move out so I could process everything without building resentment. Since then, he’s been trying his best to reassure me, but honestly, nothing he says really calms my mind right now.

I told him I think the best step forward would be individual therapy for both of us. I’m planning to start therapy soon because I want to cope with this in the healthiest way possible. He says he can’t afford therapy right now and feels like he doesn’t need it because he’s been praying, reading the Bible, and focusing on improving himself. While I respect that, I feel like personal self-improvement alone isn’t the same as actively repairing the relationship or addressing what led to this.

Right now I feel torn. I still love him, but I’m scared of the uncertainty of what comes next. At the same time, I want to be clear that I’m not excusing what he did, and I need him to truly understand the depth of the pain this has caused me. Even if we do work things out, I worry I may never be the same or look at him with the same sense of safety again.

For anyone who’s been through something similar:

• a Is reconciliation realistic after an emotional affair like this?

• How important is therapy for the WP in rebuilding trust?

• Did separation help you heal or gain clarity?

• Is it normal to feel like you’ll never see them the same again?

I’m open to honest feedback and personal experiences. Please be kind — this has been incredibly painful, and I’m just trying to figure out the healthiest path forward.

Thank you for reading.