I am obsessed with someone and it’s ruining my peace

TLDR;

I’m a guy who is obsessively fixated on another guy I don’t actually love, but feel emotionally attached to. I’m envious of his looks, confidence, and success, which makes me insecure and competitive. Small interactions with him give me a dopamine rush, but this obsession is hurting my productivity and mental state. I feel guilty because he hasn’t done anything wrong, yet I’ve created a one-sided competition in my head. It feels painful and pleasurable at the same time, and I’m scared and confused about why I’m reacting this way.

Medyo long rant ahead:

Hi, I just want to vent out. I find myself thinking about a particular person all the time. But before you say anything, let me clarify that this isn’t love. It’s more of limerence. And trust me when I say that this is one of the worst feelings ever. I’m envious of that person in some ways. He has a clear skin, above average height, similar physique to mine, madiskarte, at responsable. We’re of the same age. Para lang siyang ako talaga, except that he’s more manly at makinis. He’s just so perfect, I like him, he makes me insecure. I stalked him once, he does stuff that I also like doing and that made me even more self-conscious. I don’t like seeing him doing better than me. I feel like wanting to impress him to prove that I’m as good as him, or that I’m better. I saw him flirting with a woman once. I didn’t feel jealous, rather I felt envious about the fact that he could pull out girls and not me.

However, I feel like I’m emotionally attached to him. Every small interaction gives me dopamine rush. I feel high. He showed me kindness once and I deeply appreciated that. I don’t see myself being his partner or what, I’m weirded out by the thought.

I feel like a bad person right now. Wala siyang ginagawang masama sakin, pero eto ako, trying to compete with him in a game I created myself. I’m trying to shift my focus on something else but I just can’t help obsessing on him. This affects my productivity. This is sabotaging my potential. It hurts so bad but pleasurable at the same time. He feels like a toy, an action-figure that is valuable to me. I must be having mental health problems, I don’t know. I’m just aware that what my brain is doing is far from normal.

Ang weird as in, pati ako natatakot na sa sarili ko. Gusto kong may mapagsabihan nito para masermonan ako o majudge o masaktan kaso nahihiya ako. Seriously, that would help me to regain emotional equilibrium.