Gratitude

Dear Diary:

Today I want to extend gratitude for the following things. I never take this for granted.

After two years, multiple veterinarians, no medical treatments working, suggestions to put my cat to sleep even with good blood work, his last resort treatment with strong steroids orally twice a day and a new antibiotic have made him 90 percent better. Today he brought a sparkle ball into bed for me to throw. He hasn't done that in two years. Thank you for making him comfortable in his own skin again, literally. Thank you for allowing him to not suffer. I hope this continues. This morning he came and laid against me and my other cat inside my arms while the snow came down from outside the window facing us, and I felt so relieved and so content. I cannot thank you enough for this gift.

Thank you for saving my sister's life two Decembers ago when her small body was hit by a car and she had a heart attack from the impact setting off blood clots a week later. Thank you for giving her a boyfriend that took the day off work that day as if he hadn't been there she would be dead. Thank you for the 911 call and for the two medics in Bushwick who saved her life. I have been in touch with them but cant wait to go meet them and have a big cry when I get to hug them in person. My hope is that they have people who care for them, hold them, massage them and love them. All caretakers deserve this.

Thank you for my parents still being here. I found an email from ten years ago when we thought my dad was going to die. He is here and although wheelchair bound, sharper than ever in his 80's. We discuss politics with a passion. Thank you for giving me loving, sensitive, hilarious and generous parents who promoted the art world to me and my sister and taught us to escape gender roles and be independent.

Thank you for my sprinkling of friends all over the place. While they are mostly all married, and many with children, I am thankful for the time they make for me, and the time we spend together.

I am thankful for NYC and its social cafes where I talk to strangers daily and tell and am told interesting stories.

I am thankful for my microdose of a glp-1 which fully resolved my long covid muscle and joint aches which has been so severe and cost me a lot of money trying to fix with specialists. One jab of this medicine in my stomach took away all my joint pain and gave me a whole new body. I am thankful for living in a city where walking 12,000 steps a day is easy and thoughtless.

I am thankful for the many experiences I have had dating. I have learned many lessons. The experiences in the moments together have generally been great to amazing. The devaluing afterwards always a surprise, but the lessons invaluable. My self-respect and self-worth are built upon a foundation which does not break. I could have some regrets, however it's all been a lesson. I protect myself always from numbness. I step back and away when I need to reevaluate myself or what I am doing . I will always take being single over being devalued. I will always choose me as much as I love nurturing others and being nurtured, as much as I am a connective person. I will always have empathy and tenderness, while also creating boundaries.

Thank you for proving the reddit person I was supposed to go on a date with today was the red flag I felt from the beginning but kept overriding. I knew I was being lied to - the guy told me he was a legal professional while he didnt know the difference between their and they're and your and you're, he looked like he might be living in a halfway house for addicts and he was clearly trying to date a multitude of women while claiming to be celibate and monogamous. His need to manipulate and lie is his own deceit to bear. I am relieved the truth was revealed and I didnt go on that date as I felt something was off from the very beginning. Sometimes that off thing doesnt come out until you are already immersed or in bed with someone. Thank you for protecting me before rather than later.

Thank you for my very sensual body and sensory obsessions. For a body that feel electric and turned on by touch, taste, scent and sound. For sensitive fingers and smooth skin and for an animalistic love of scent. Thank you for solar scents, for coconut, for vanillas dark and ripe. For the scent of banana and bergamot and neroli and rose and for clean green fern scents and for cologne on skin when you put your mouth to a neck or an arm or a thigh. Thank you for making me an animal being and not a rock or a shard of glass or a sequin on a dress, although these things all have their special places as well.

Thank you for momentary ecstasy and pleasure. For the times I did feel love. For how much I care. For massage. For the softness of hair and skin. For the wounds that taught me lessons and continue to do so. For stockings and lipstick and poems. For mangoes and avocados and for giving me a sweet smile and kind eyes. Thank you for making me the kind of person that loves my imperfect body. For making me soft. Thank you for the moments my apartment doesnt have leaks and my cats arent sick and my family is not sick and my friends are not grieving their parents or siblings or pets. Thank you for allowing me to get hurt but to move forward. Thank you for giving me the fortitude and respect to learn from my misjudgements and mistakes. Thank you for showing me that wounds sometimes are gifts as well. Thank you for any time someone was kind or thoughtful or made space and time for me. Thank you for the strangers who fill some hours with their stories and laughter and thank you for whatever love and joy and intensity you will extend to me in the present and the future.

For this, universe, I extend my deepest gratitude for making me whole and hurt and loved and unloved and sensual and sexual and hungry and whole.