AIO I am 3 weeks postpartum, exhausted, husband says I’m “disgraceful” for saying I can’t hold the baby right now

I’m 3 weeks postpartum with our first baby. I had an uncomplicated birth but I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I do most of the nighttime care. I breastfeed, bottle feed, change diapers, burp, do gas exercises, bathe her, etc. Her bassinet is on my side of the bed and I’m extremely anxious about SIDS so I barely sleep and constantly check her breathing.

Last night I was so exhausted that apparently my husband tried to wake me up at 3:30am when she woke up crying, and I didn’t respond. I have zero memory of it. That scared me because I’m usually a very light sleeper. I woke up at 6:30 and freaked out thinking I missed her 3:30 feeding time but my husband said he fed since I didn’t wake up.

Today she’s been awake since 3:30am. My husband fed her around 3:45 but she didn’t sleep after and from 5am onward I changed her, breastfed for 30 mins, bottle fed, burped her multiple times, did bicycle kicks for gas, and held her for hours. She wouldn’t sleep but she was quiet. Around 8:20 I laid her down in her bassinet.

Around 8:30 she was crying again. I told him I had fed her, changed her, tried gas relief, etc., and I didn’t know what she wanted. He said maybe she just wants to be held. I said I’m tired and I can’t hold her anymore. because in my head I’m thinking I can start dozing off while holding her (which feels unsafe).

He got upset and said it’s “disgraceful” to say that while she’s crying. He said it makes him wonder what I’d do when he’s not home. He also said since I “shut off for 6 hours” last night, what if next time I shut off for 6 days and how that would affect the baby. He says I’m showing postpartum depression signs.

Meanwhile, many nights when she cries he turns away and pretends to sleep. When I shower, he’ll put in AirPods and watch anime while she’s on my side of the bed and he’s on his side. i don’t criticize him — I appreciate whatever help he gives.

I’ve been open about not feeling a strong attachment yet (which I know can be normal postpartum), and now I feel like that’s being used against me.

Our cat sleeps on my pillow, I sleep on my arm so I don’t disturb her. At the same time I monitor her throughout the night so she doesn’t go near the baby. Even though the bassinet is closed I’m worried. Two times while I went to shower And the baby was under my husbands watch the cat went into the bassinet. I didn’t demean him for that. I said it happens and to be extra careful next time.

I’ve had migraines from exhaustion since I’ve given birth. I m afraid to take. Tylenol even because I’m afraid it’ll make me sleep for long and I won’t wake wake up when she cries. I don’t use my migraine head and eye band because I have to keep checking on the baby. My husband takes his Tylenol, uses the migraine band.. all night he turns the other way and snores away. I haven’t turned the other way while sleeping since I’ve given birth. I face the baby the entire time.

I’m physically exhausted, anxious about SIDS, barely sleeping, and dealing with migraines. Is it really wrong to say I cannot hold the baby when I’m at the point of falling asleep while holding her? Am I being unreasonable here?