I've spent years being 'almost' to people, but never chosen

I was in a 5 year relationship a few years ago that ended in him cheating on me and completely breaking my heart on alot of different aspects. I started developing commitment issues and trust issues. but I never stopped loving, almost like a fool wearing her heart on her sleeve and I proposed my best friend and boy did that go wrong. Turns out he was ok with flirting but nothing more and that's exactly what I did. I made sure that I was always in contact with him. And when I heard he got into a relationship, I started faking stories up about dating people.

Met another guy and the cycle continued and he is ina. relationship with someone else now. After these events I made sure that I wouldn't ever love someone again and even if I did I would never tell them that. And I failed miserably. I just did the same mistake all over again. He feels responsible for hurting me and giving me hope. He cares for me and wants to keep being "best friends"but he can't commit.

I'm always 'something' to people. Someone they felt comfortable with, someone they could easily flirt with, someone with whom they could be themselves devoid of judgement but never that someone they would choose to love and stick side by. So broken that I keep hoping and the hope gets smashed into a zillion pieces.

I'm finally walking away not because I don't love anymore but to make sure that atleast I chose myself than sticking somewhere I'm not chosen.