Met Avoidant ex- feel miserable and I wish I was dead

Few weeks ago one night I came home and my avoidant ex told me she’s leaving me all of sudden after 5 years of living together, she had quite her dream job and flying back to parents. I was blindsided and couldn’t understand, I was alive but dead inside.

Spent $1000 and flew to her home town in another state just to see her and ask her why. She came and we met and what she said shocked me even more.

She told me she started thinking about the breakup 9 months ago when we argued because she hadn’t called me in 5 days!

She said she was thinking about it and she was planning for it for about 6 months before the breakup.

I was stupid enough that was saying she must have been overwhelmed since she quit her dream job! Long story short she had already secured another good job back home and planned all of her moves!

I was super happy to see her and couldn’t process her words until got back to my hotel!

She knew she was leaving from months ago, we were having sex, fun, laughing , meeting her parents and lots of good time but I’m doubting if it was all fake and she was pretending ! She waited to get her license and secured a job and dumped me. Now I know why she had her phone 24/7 and never leave it on anywhere

She had committed suicide when she moved in and was depressed almost all the time but I always supported her no matter what. And the moment I got sick and wanted some support she decided to leave.

When we met, She was all complaining about our relationship in the past 9 months, why? Because I got a bad illness and was frustrated asking for emotional support!

Didn’t take accountability for her side! It was just me and I just validated her feelings.

She had 6 months to process the break up and for me it’s only 3 weeks.

I hate myself because I was begging her to give us another chance and she was saying she needs to work on herself, can’t be in any relationship or she should think about it and will let me know and her emotions are different!!!

I couldn’t sleep last night and was throwing up all night. Lost 8 kg in 3 weeks. Can’t eat or sleep. I hate myself and the misery I’m in. Even I can’t find a painless certain way to end my miserable life.