I cant leave my room while he is outside

I cant leave my room while he is outside. i have to pee in a bottle. i have to scroll youtube shorts in headphones so i dont have to hear his voice but at the same time i wanna know what they are talking about. his voice alone makes me irrationally angry.

i dont know what they talking about but its been 2 hours. all i can hear is some vibrations made by his voice and him occasionally laughing.

about 1 hour ago i heard him making a phone call and that piece of shirt "brother" sounded like a nicest person you ever met in your life.

if i was playing xbox360 he would beat me so he could play it himself. and i would cry and go to mom's work in retail store.

when i hear him talking to someone else he sounds like such a nice guy i start to doubt myself. what if its actually me who is the villian?

one time cat puked in his room and he wanted me to clean it. i refused, so he punched me in the head untill i complied.

sometimes he would come up to me in school and say something that made me cry. i dont remember exactly what he was saying. i have very bad memory now.

i do remember one time he said that he wished that my best friend was his brother instead of me.

he made me give him "massages" so i could play xbox. who the hell wants a massage from a 12 year old boy?

he was obssesed with brand clothes and devices from Apple. on his 18 birthday dad took a loan to buy him a car.

meanwhile my phone was barely working for years. i always thought our family was poor. nope. turns out parents were just financially iliterate.

smell of brother's AXE deodarant was so bad it would have been considered a chemical weapon by Geneva convention. he loudly listend to his music on a speaker as a form psychological pressure. and he was a soccer fanatic.

every time i was coming home from school i had about 1 hour of normal live untill he comes back. when i heard a key opening the door it felt like a start of a survival horror game. untill mom comes home from work.

he always made fun of me and laughed when i cried. but when he needed something from me he would be so nice and charming i thought i got on his good side and i just did whatever is he needed me to do.

one time i was playing xbox. he demanded a gamepad so he could go play fifa with his friend. i refused. i held gamepad in very tightly while he was punching me in the head. he managed to take it.

he gave me a concussion and i decided to call the police. when police arrived he was gone. they looked around for a bit. they were clearly dissinterested in whats going on. i remember hearing something about gunfight on the radio and one of them said something like "shirt why the fork we came here". so they just called me an ambulance and drove away. brother wasnt home when i returned so i just played xbox. when he did returned he was ready to kill me

but then mom said "its fine he washed the dishes, he can play". i havent washed any dishes. that one sentance made me realize that he wanted to start to "discipline" me and make me do "tasks" to deserve playing it.

little did he knew that while in the hospital i decided that its better to live in a bed-bug infested apartment with my alcoholic dad with literal shirt on the walls than with a brother. so the next day i took all that i could carry in a backpack and left to live with dad. before i left brother said "you will come back tomorrow". i lived there for 8 years.

living with dad was hell but it felt like heaven because brother wasnt there. i was still afraid to go in that part of town where he lived. one time brother randomly came with his friend to store his tires in dad's apartment. he demanded to open the door to my room. then he tried to break it. then he started to make fun of me in front of his friend.

next time i will see him will be on our dad's funeral in 8 years. alcoholism finally got him. i hated sitting next to a brother in a car. the whole time he was making jokes, asking me why am i so sad and asking mom why im ignoring him. i left asap after the ceremony. apperently now that dad is dead - his apartment belongs to his sister and she basically kicked me out. i had to rent an apartment now. even while i live alone i was afraid to make noise as if im constantly being judged. i lived paycheck to paycheck. i got fired. i wasted so much money on rent. i had no choice but to return back to mom and brother. while im moving stuff brother comes out of his room and asks if i need any help. no.

i dont want to pee in a bottle. i hold it for about an hour now while im writing all of this. i cant leave my room while he is there. are they talking about me? im sure he is slandering me to our mom but i cant hear anything. im almost 23 year old manand im afraid to leave my room because he is there. talking and laughing.

it took about a month for him to assault me. i came home after throwing away trash, he shoulder checks me and starts holding my wrist so that i couldnt move my hands. he just screams at me "are you schizo?" he just repeats "you are schizo huh?" over and over again. at the time i didnt even understood whats going on. from my perspective i was just throwing away trash and when i come back he just assaults me. at this point im yelling at him to get away from me. mom screaming something like "YoU aRe BrOtHeRs, YoU sHoUlD lOvE lIvE lAuGh EaCh OtHeR". i still dont understand whats going on. im ugly crying. its like im 12 years old again. he thought i threw away some of his stuff. turns out i didnt threw away what he thought i did. like i said, it was just garbage. instead of apologising he starts to scold me because i didnt had his permission to throw away garbage from my and mom's room because, he says "apartment doesnt belong to you it belongs to all 3 of us so you needed my approval to throw away anything" im not exaggerating. im not making this up.

i scream something. he says im CENSORED because i scream at him while he is calm. i was assaulted by him 2 minutes ago. i scream that im afraid of him because he used to beat me at least once a week. he laughs. he asks to name one time he beated me. he says im making a victim out of myself. he says that all brothers fight and that its normal. he says that he loves me much more than i think he does. he says i deserved to be beaten.

im speechless. he overloaded my brain's cpu. mom starts her Vin Diesel's speech on how familiy is the most important blah blah blah. he just nods and agrees with everything she says and says something like "she is right, you understood?". somehow now it looks like they both just scold me.

there is one more paragraph to the story but i cant post it due to this sub's rules.