I trusted the wrong person on a dating app... and got raped again..

19f arizona.. I thought this guy i met on a dating app really liked me, wanted to date me, enjoyed talking, and wanted to maybe be in a relationship, but turns out he was just lying about all of that just to rape me while my insides were still mostly dry, shove his gaint penis into me, force my body to go frozen, while he continued to pound into my frozen unmoving body, while I completely mentally disassociate and checked out, and quietly cried to myself as he kept going. When he was finally done using my lifeless body, I was in extreme pain 😢 my stomach was crying, and my body was leaking with my own juices, and to my surprise, my own blood. I've never felt so much pain inside of me. Never has sex hurt soooo soooo bad, almost like I got punched in the stomach. I couldnt even believe that I was bleeding... no ones ever made me bleed before... I just sat there on the toilet staring at my bloody toilet paper... but the worse part is now I want to feel it and go through it all over again.. I want my ex, or someone else to now force themselves to brutally and quickly enter me without giving me time to get wet, just so I can feel that same pain all over. I dont know what's wrong with me.. but now im so turned on by a man raping me to the point of making me bleed and cry... I know its fucked up but now my body seems to be obsessed with being forced in that same position, and forcing my body to submit to a man... even though now im so scared and grossed out by most men and normally am more attracted to women on a daily basis because im less afraid of women... but in the back of my mind, I want my male ex, or even some other guy to force me to submit to him and make me bleed, and I cant stop thinking about it day in and day out.