hi

posting this on my secret acc lol

hii need sm help plz o's this year and my mh is deteriorating but i cannot pinpoint why and it makes me feel so invalid

like deadasszz why am i like this when theres people actually suffering n shits

start of this year ± 1 week or so to cny i relapsed v bad / worse than ever compared to last time after being clean for 2+ months and ive been feeling so guilty everytime i have to hide my arms when meeting relatives / w family

i think ive posted on this sub v long ago about my mother threatening to send me to imh or call police when she saw it in sec 2 and hid it ever since, but ig this has also been building up for months on end and im so scared to confide in anyone in this.

i used to just brush the constant want to hurt myself off as something thats just me since ive been like this since i was a kid— hitting/hurting myself whenever im upset but now its alw the first thing i think of whenever something happens and it makes me feel so shit cause why am i like this

my family has nv had any major issues, my main conflicts are only w my mother cs shes lowk a narcissist and ive just had to deal w sm of her bs, esp with my siblings all 20+ and im the only one at home now. she mostly scolds me cs she cant scold my siblings even if its their fault + constantly has mood swings, getting upset and then even more so because my smile didn't hit the minimum of a 7cm diameter so that instantly means i hate her as a mother and everything she stands for apparently after she brutally insulted my entire existence to the very atom

sorrey this is getting so long for anyone to read and bother and im talking just to talk but i just really need sm help bcuz i always feel like if i ever try to talk about this verbally to any one of my friends and admit that i relapse v often now im gonna sound like im bitching because im an attentionwhore

i alw feel perfectly fine on a normal sch day, still enjoying myself and everything but once im all alone at night everything comes crashing down on me, then ill feel extra guilty whenever im just so exhausted i rlly cannot go to school so the cycle just keeps going

sometimes i really js wanna do it and my main motivation to continue is rlly my cats bcuz why tf not lol but holy shit im so tired, nd ik im never speaking to any sch councillor about this because they might as well be paid to snitch on me + they might genuinely send me to imh

ive restrained and held everything in for so long i j needed to say or type 💔 everything out a sorry rambling again ref js take me out the game