You know what?

To J,

Did you know? I never posted anything publicly when id create something out of my feelings about you. I had no "hidden" accounts. When you'd hurt me or i felt insecure and i drew, or wrote, to cope... When I was unsure or doubtful or felt bad, I didnt post it or show it to the public. Not like that. Mine and sometimes your eyes are the only eyes to grace that stuff. And I certainly didnt present ANY of it to you for praise while omitting the information that it was a vent piece about you. I think thats the part that really fucked with me.

Maybe that's when you planted the first major seed of mistrust, dude. How could you do that? And not only did you do that, you "hid" the words, and had i not noticed it im sure you'd never have spoken about it. Just like that snide comment you muttered under your breath that one time. But... dude. Cmon. I like art, of course i look at the details. I loved your art. And i get making art to let out your feelings, ffs dude im an artist too. I listened to you when youd speak. Id sit in silence with you for comfort. I reassured you when you asked for it. Im realizing now that level of comfort and reassurance was NOT reciprocated. No wonder i felt isolated towards the end.

And we... even talked about it. Sure, how it made me uncomfortable, but there was no apology from you. That happened a lot, though. If something truly bothered me and I would bring it up, you... my god you reacted negatively every time, like a wound that would open every time i breached a difficult topic, it was like deciding to yank out my teeth. And your favorite thing to do; leaving me on read suddenly (despite several conversations abt that, mind you), telling me things were fine if i asked if something was off, only to reassure me nothing was wrong and then disappear in and out... proceed to ignore me for a while... and then surprise surprise "that actually did bother me...". An argument would ensue after having left me confused and anxious for hours.

But you have anxiety too, and its worse than mine, so I must be overreacting. Just like that time in my room.

So... yeah, dude, I started becoming closed off. Thats 5 years of that. Why would I keep trusting you with my feelings if there was always a high chance theyd upset you or send you spiraling? When nothing would change even if we did speak?

Sure. Im slow. And I couldn't articulate why I was so unnerved by the end of the relationship, going as far as thinking maybe i didnt really love you. But as more time passes, holy shit my best friend was right. I did love you. You're the first person in a very long time that I tried to let into my life.

But.

That, everything, was so toxic.

And my heart still hurts from breaking up with you. You were my world, one introvert to another, i spoke to you the most. You were my person. But of course, that too, you assumed I had so many friends and people to surround myself with despite me constantly telling you thats just not true. But I couldn't possibly be as "introverted as you". That when I said I was sleeping I was lying, or when work was too much I was exaggerating. Because it was a competition, I guess, as every mental health issue seemed to be with you.

So anyways, Im alone again, no girlfriend. After finally opening up my heart. After trying for 5 years with you. But of course, didnt you also say "you never even tried."? You hurt me. I considered blocking and ghosting you, yknow. My friend encouraged me to. But I decided to try and talk it out with you.

We see how that went.

You made me feel like a monster.