Is it the avoidant/bpd pattern or am I protecting myself?

I (19f) just got out of hospitalization following a crisis, it’s not my first time, I’m used to it.

I have recently been in the adult sector and I found myself mixed with men much older than me.

I got closer to a guy in his 50s, at least he took the first step and I let myself be tempted..

I admit that I had a crush on him but I have always forbidden myself to love someone older than me if he was attracted to me..

Except that there, I had a strong libido, I was on a small cloud and it was incredible the first days.. However, afterwards, I began to feel anxious, to tell myself that I was in a really dangerous situation for myself (already because of the age difference, the social situation being at the hp) even though my heart told me to go for it.

I talked to the therapist and the caregivers who told me that he was a good person, that he wasn’t a predator, that if I loved him it was important, that I listened to my heart, that I was an adult now and that I had to make my adult choices. I couldn’t sleep, I felt in full cognitive dissonance..

Moreover, I was being harassed by patients who called me a whore when it was discovered and she was the only person who was there for me..

We have been together for 3 months but on two occasions I asked us to separate/move away, I didn’t want to cut off contact with him so I was trying to stay friendly with him except that as soon as we found ourselves both alone he tried to kiss me and even if I pushed him away, I ended up kissing him back, taking his hand. He always told me 'if you want to leave me, leave me, I will leave you alone but if you want from me; I am here'.

Suddenly I idolize him, on one hand he disgusts me. Suddenly I want to spend my life with him, on the other hand I want to cut contact with him because I am afraid..

I was diag bpd recently and it was explained to me that it was part of the symptoms of having unstable relationships, having an unstable image of the partner, having mood changes etc... And that it could come from there.

I really want to get better and break my bad patterns and be stabilized so I’m doing a huge job on myself except that I can no longer know what the reality of the situation is due to having heard everything and its opposite.

I haven’t answered him for two days just to sort through my head.

I can’t talk to my parents about it (for an obvious reason) and I’m afraid to talk to my friends. So here I am, looking for the point of view of strangers on the internet.

Sorry for the mistakes.