Will Therapy still work for me? Is it worth looking into? (Advice/Rant)

I grew up in a very dysfunctional, caribbean household. I‘ll mention I was bullied in school for years, because I think that’s what actually taught me to suppress my emotions until they randomly burst and lash out at people.

As a kid, while I was good in school I’d act out really poorly at home. And it led to rebellious and devious behavior that fed a very intense power struggle between me and this family member we’ll call Danny.

It took years for me to recognize I resented them. Bone deep.

As a result, while the narcissistic parent went ham. The other parent, who I was much closer to, warned me religiously, to check and examine my mind. My thoughts. My behavior. And they’d let me know when exactly I copied the narcissistic parent as a basis for their council.

Little me heard one thing and interpreted differently. “I can’t end up like them.” If I do, I’ll go down X path, And Y,Z and A will happen to me.

And it was very, very frequent. So I gained awareness since I was small. Of how intensely I felt things, and people’s emotions around me. their perceptions, behavior patterns. My own—especially my own.

I could fill a autobigraphy with everything I uncovered about my own pschology. My trauma, triggers, the source behind habits barely scratching the surface of many conclusions I’ve drawn about myself. Little me watched psychology videos. Little me, and BIG me study Neuro Linguistic Programming. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Go to the gym.

I’ll do good for a while. Until someone points out that I get stuck in my own perspective. That my behavior is concerning. Or I’ll just be in a bad mood, or tired, or my bandwidth for meekiness snaps like a cablue. And I’ll flip like the drop of the hat—like a kettle that’s just been simmering and itching to explode.

Months of progress, self regulation attempts, mindfulness all end up feeling worthless. Like I’ve peaked then got comfortable and went rightttt back to square one.

And when these moments happen, I can analyze exactly where I went wrong. Why my hands start visibly shaking, why you can see my heart pound under my shirt, why my voice wobbles and why my chest tightens and thickens, even though there’s no rationality behind it. When I see exactly where I got glued inside my own biased point of view. I end up apologizing.

This accidentally became more a vent but while I’m not calling people names or anything, my issue is applying all this logic to the heat of the moment. And I feel—INTENSELY, and I always have.

But I’d very much like to get my body to actually listen to my head so that I can stop doubting my own “decent person”-ness

and so that I can stop being defined by who I used to be, because of how often I end up making progress and then reverting right back to where I started, like my narcissistic parent often does unawarely.

And my worry is that I’m going to pay for a therapist who’s gonna tell me stuff I already know. Because its happened before.

Is it too late?

(PS- These folks love me. It’s just… hurt people hurt people sometimes. )

Is therapy actually still worth it?

Or is it just me and I just need to suck up and lock in before my frontal lobe fully develops…?