My Dad

I’m 17 and i haven’t liked my Dad for a very long time for context my Dad was a very heavy drinker when I was a kid and would even hang out with people that were too. He would drink every weekend, not a couple but a LOT he would always come home after messing around with his friends and throw my mom and brother around breaking stuff and getting pissed off, yelling and fighting with my mom one time I think I had my door locked at the end of an argument and i didn’t want to talk to anyone and he literally breaks down the door to get in so there’s a lock shaped hole in my wall and afterwards we had to get a new door. every time I say anything about those types of things to my mom or brother they just throw it out the window saying “he never did that” or “he never hit me” I know I was a kid and kids have avid imaginations but I know it was real most of the times I try and bring it up are in arguments with my Father but my mother seems like she hesitates every time she says no. I have quite a few medical issues with my body such as pots, a g-tube for constipation, and a lot of others anyways, sometimes my dad would tell me to show his friends my tube and would get mad if I got uncomfortable with it and told him no,it made me feel like some kind of freak show attraction. I was a kind of a big kid from all the pills I was taking and my dad would always make jokes or say things about my weight whenever I had my shirt off which made me have to wear a shirt in the pool and never show anyone myself without one. He’s very toxic to be around wether it’s you have a different opinion and it turns into a debate, he always says something racist as a “joke” about someone on tv or in real life, we will be watching tv and one of those ads about women’s clothes and he will finally look up from his phone to just glue his eye to the screen, it’s disgusting the kind of things he says like that. I think the rest he says stuff like that is because my grandpa is exactly that way whether it’s someone of a different race, gender, or someone apart of lgbtq+.

I got in an argument with him just a little bit ago and I said I hated him and how I hate that he’s my father and he said”I know I’ve known for a long time” he said he’s trying to change and trying his best but it’s felt like all the things he’s done have kinda scared me and I’m so worried I’m going to end up like him I was just like him in middle school and I hated myself for being like that. When I was a kid I wished that my mom would leave him or get a divorce and that he just wasn’t my father. I’m just feeling like I need to get away the only family member that i actually love and care about is my mom but I feel like I can’t wait until I go to college.I don’t really know what else to say I’m just so tired and done with it he brings so much stress to my life and I’m already deep into depression.

(I’m saying for the super long yap session or the bad grammar I have really bad dyslexia)