a letter i'll never send to him lol

my kbida dyali, haitham,

i know i pushed you away. i'm so sorry. i wish you could just take me back right now. did you know that you're the first person i said i love you to in four years? in the beginning, i wasn't very fond of you, but i grew to love you (and even like you more than i'd like to admit). i wish it was easy to get over you and to rid myself of this heaviness i seem to carry in my chest. i'd look at heartbroken people and judge them, but now i'm in their very position-- i guess God has made me an example. i know i hurt your pride and kept you confused with the push and pull dynamic, but you genuinely hurt me so much-- despite all of this, i'm still here waiting for you. i'm pretty sure that i'll be waiting for a long time.

ever since february 8th my brain has been so foggy. i miss you all the time and i hate myself for it because i'm the reason you decided to end whatever we had going on between us.

i was so unsure before, but i've never been so sure about anything else in my life. i think you're the first person i truly loved. you and i are so fundamentally different and you taught me a lot. everytime you text me i'm so eager and i just wish you knew how much i love you.

i've never felt grief like this in my life and i want to get rid of it so much. you said for us to get back together you have to be sure that i'm sure of you. i miss you so much to the point that it's driving me insane. i'm trying to play it cool and all but i can't help but think you're enjoying watching me suffer. it hurts to keep in contact with you, but i'd rather have you as a distant acquaintance in my life than to not have you in my life at all. please come back home.