Rules for the Beings Who Call Themselves "Humans"

For the longest time, I could not fathom why your kind was so intent on ending your lives within my domain. I assumed that when one of you fleshlings invoked the ire of the creatures behind the tenth door or chose to descend the stairwell of certain doom, you did it to provide me with entertainment, but it has come to my attention that most of the humans who trespass here wish to leave with all their organs intact.

Please, do not be mistaken. I wish no harm upon you small, fragile creatures. Your species fascinates me, and I would love to add each and every one of you to the collection in ROOM 097, but I shall refrain.

A rather brave human by the name of Mekwell has been assisting me for the last few 'weeks' as he calls them. I do not understand this light-emitting creature he calls the sun, or why your species relies on it to track spacetime, but that is besides the point. He has taught me your language, and wishes that I provide a list of rules for your kind to follow in order to protect yourselves within my realm. It is the least I can do considering the countless enthralling tales he has recounted about your world.

1. Do not eat anything, regardless of how enticing its scent may be.

When I showed the human Mekwell these rules, he insisted that I list this first. According to his stories about your world, in the distant past, many of your kind died from eating unidentified plants. Countless of you humans have gotten yourselves killed by eating the berries growing within the 'lab' rooms or the weeds on the 'track'. You embarrass your ancestors by assuming your digestive tract can handle anything.

Should you find a delicious, fully prepared meal within one of the cafeteria rooms of the labyrinth, do not touch it. It is likely a trap prepared by one of my brethren. On the unlikely chance it is not, it is still poor etiquette to take someone's meal. You should know better.

2. Never enter the 10th, 158th, or 205th doors.

I have recently learned that my domain resembles the inside of a building called a 'school' within your world, the only differences being the endless winding halls and the slightly higher mortality rate.

Even more surprising, I found that the symbols on each door match the numerical system your species uses. There are doors labelled ROOM 000 to ROOM 204, beyond each of which is what is known as a classroom. Though the halls are endless and each room is different, every room with the same number will have the same general theme.

ROOM 010 is a teacher's lounge. This is where I and my kin prefer to reside when we are not wandering. I promise not to hurt you if we meet alone. I cannot speak for the others.

ROOM 158 is one of my favorite rooms. It is the astronomy lab. I would recommend every one of your kind view it, if not for one small caveat. I have been informed that when you gaze upon the stars in your world, they do not gaze back. The humans who put their eyes to the telescope always emerged blinded.

Mekwell asked me about ROOM 205. He told me that he entered my realm with a friend who went inside that room and did not return.

I have wandering this domain for longer than your kind can comprehend. There is no ROOM 205.

There are very few safe rooms, but the others should prove slightly less dangerous.

3. Do not get lost.

There is only one way to exit this "parallel world", as I have heard some of you meatlings call it, and that is through the door you came in.

Many of your kind have come here by choice for some unfathomable reason, but just as many end up here by accident. Any entrance to a school building that has been abandoned for over fifty of your human years may lead here, though the exact criteria even I cannot say.

If you wander too far, you may come across a separate entrance, identical to the one you came from. Be cautious, for this will only lead you deeper into the realm. This leads me to my next point.

4. Do not climb the stairwell.

The rooms here like to rearrange themselves when no one is watching. Climbing up or down the stairwell gives them the perfect opportunity to do so. From what I have been told, most humans are unprepared for this because rooms from your world are much more docile. Many of skeletons within the classrooms and hallways are from humans who took the stairs and never made it back to their entrance.

5. Clean up after yourself.

Please keep in mind that you are a guest within my domain and I wish you no harm. However, if you leave trash for me to clean up, I will rip you apart.

Be well.