I think I (21M) am falling out of love with my (21F) girlfriend. I don’t know what to do.

I am not so good expressing emotions and am a horrible storyteller so please bear with me. This is also my first ever meaningful post ever on Reddit.

I have been dating this girl for 1.5 yrs and most of it has been long distance (90% of it). She is my second girlfriend, and I’m roughly her fifth or sixth boyfriend. I’ve only dated in college, while she dated in high school and college.

We were coworkers and then eventually ended up dating. We were only 30 mins apart from each other when she was home for the summer. We go to different colleges. I go to college at SDSU and she goes to GCU. It was perfect when we were in person and got to see each other and go on dates. Summers were the best because we were long distance for the school year but got to see each other a lot during summers. We had nothing to do besides work, spend time with one another and workout together. I was seeing her probably three times a week during the summers.

However, since then her family moved to San Francisco which means I can’t see her as much over the summer because she is sooo far away. We saw each other once over winter break and it was really fun. We got to relax stress free and have a week to explore San Fransisco together. But since then the next time we can see each other is for maybe two weeks in the beginning of summer and two weeks at the end of summer.

I don’t know what the future is going to hold as I am an engineer and joining the military which means most likely there will be tons of long distance in the future relationship wise. She is trying to become teacher. I don’t know how well those two career paths mesh but with all the traveling I definitely have to discuss more about this with her.

Being in person for me is soo much easier relationship wise. Physical touch is both of our love languages and obviously for long distance we can’t do that. I have a hard time expressing my feelings and emotions but long distance phone calls and FaceTimes make it more difficult.

This is where the problem starts. These past few weeks I have recently had the idea of breaking up with her because of long distance and find a relationship at my college or just join hookup culture. I don’t know why I am feeling like this. It has gotten to the point where I look at other girls in ways I shouldn’t because I am in a committed relationship. I even had thoughts about downloading tinder or other websites. I feel guilty even having these thoughts because she hasn’t done anything wrong. I don’t know if this is green grass syndrome because we are past the honeymoon phase and things are getting “stale” or “less exciting”.

We talk a lot during the week over FaceTime and calls. I have practice three days a week for my club sport. So we mostly call and FaceTime the days I don’t have practice. She does most of the taking as I usually don’t have much to say. I don’t really talk much in person so when it comes to calls and FaceTimes i tend to do most of the listening. Sometimes we FaceTime or call for hours a night. We also text during the day all days of the week.

Also, she smokes sometimes with her roommates or friends and I can’t stand smoking or weed. I have never done drugs and never will. I don’t want her to do that at all when/if we end up living together. She also drinks more often with the roommates and friends than I do and i feel like this is also creating a divide in my head. I don’t want to say the ick but it definitely has me question some things.

She is a nice person. However she is very emotional and often breaks down a lot. I sometimes worry that I’m not emotionally equipped to support her the way she needs. I’m naturally more reserved, and when she’s overwhelmed, I feel inadequate.

She also doesn’t really have any hobbies which is a big difference between us. She often stays in her room or sleeps all day. She has ADHD so she has expressed how that makes it hard for her to make and keeps friendships.

We haven’t had many fights but that is because I feel like both of us are pretty easy going. The only times we have fought is when she was drunk and said some pretty rude stuff to me. We resolved the issue but I feel like deep down maybe I haven’t.

I asked her to be my girlfriend. She was the first to say I love you and I said it back. At the time I cared about her deeply, but I’m now questioning whether what I felt was love or just attachment and comfort. I don’t know if I truly love her or if I’m just staying with her because I’ve invested soo much time, effort and money. I don’t even know if I know the definition of love.

I am still physically attracted to her, but I sometimes question whether she’s fully my “type,” which makes me feel guilty even admitting. I don’t think I’ve completely lost attraction, but I do feel like the intensity has faded compared to earlier in the relationship. Im also not sure if I’m less attracted to her, or if I’m just noticing other girls more because I’m in college and feeling restless.

If we lived in the same city and saw each other regularly, I honestly don’t know if I would still be having these thoughts. That’s part of what’s confusing me.

I havent expressed these feelings to her out of fear. I cant describe this fear but i guess you could say out of fear of breaking up and ending our relationship. I don’t know what to do and would like some advice.

How do I know if I’m falling out of love versus just struggling with long distance? Is this something I should communicate to her and try to work through, or are these signs that I should end it before I hurt her more? I don’t want to waste her time, but I also don’t want to make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings.

Thank you

TLDR: I’ve been in a 1.5-year mostly long-distance relationship. I still care about her and am attracted to her, but I’ve been feeling restless, noticing other girls, and questioning long-term compatibility (distance, lifestyle differences, future military plans). I don’t know if this is falling out of love or just temporary doubt