Tomorrow is technically my birthday, but it's become a death day now and I dread it.

I've never posted here before, but this was removed from the sub I first tried to share on because it was about grief so I thought I could try here. Sorry if I'm doing anything wrong.

I was born on my grandmother's 49th birthday, so for most of my life our family celebrated our birthdays together. I loved sharing that with her.

Then when I was 15, I met my best friend, whose birthday \*also\* happened to be the same day. From that day on, she and I would celebrate together as well.

We grew up of course and she moved across the country, but we always stayed in touch and visited when we could.

In late 2021, my grandmother passed away. It was somewhat unexpected and abrupt and the way it all went down scarred me deeply. I had just lost my very much loved mother-in-law shortly before, to the same form of cancer, and it was a lot to deal with all at once.

Now every year on my birthday, my mom holds a memorial day for my grandmother. People get together and share memories and pictures and celebrate her birthday. It stopped being my birthday, too. It was just too sad.

I was lucky to still share the day with my best friend. Even if we couldn't physically be together that year, we'd always call each other at midnight and talk for a long time. But last year, she hadn't been responding to my texts for a while - and when I called her at midnight on our birthday, she didn't pick up.

I knew something was very wrong then. I frantically searched the internet and tried to find mutual acquaintances to see if anyone knew where she was... And I found her obituary. She was 30 years old when she passed away.

Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday, the first one since last year's horrible discovery, and I wish I could just hit a button and skip it. I have no one left in my life to celebrate it with, even if I felt like celebrating. I lost my marriage and most of my friends and family when I came out as a trans man and began to transition. I'm also disabled and barely get out to meet new people, so my life is pretty small and empty these days.

I wish I felt strong enough to make it a day of remembering the good times with them both, but honestly all I can feel is how much it hurts not to be able to be with them. It makes the usual loneliness feel so much sharper.

Birthdays are supposed to be this one day of the year when it's okay to "make it about you" a bit. To celebrate yourself a bit and ideally be celebrated by the people you love, too. Mine is just a day to feel the weight of everything I've lost, alone.

I could use a word or two of kindness, if you have one.