A long rant/essay on respecting peoples’ names, especially non-Western ones

My partner’s legal name is a Chinese name. He used to identify by a Western nickname just to make it easier for others, including on legal/official documentation… yet he never felt fully comfortable with it. After I met him and learned his actual name, I began calling him it privately. Considering how many folks in our region are immigrants and/or have non-Western names (we live in the PNW), I eventually encouraged him to try identifying with it in public. It took some time but now, he proudly embraces his real name everywhere, including at work, and I’m really happy for him.

However, seems like, no matter how diverse the community we live in, people still seem to have an astonishingly low tolerance for non-Western names - including among Asian-Americans.

Mind, my partner’s first name is actually very simple to pronounce when you break it down. It’s just 2 short syllables, both of which are trivial with English phonetics. English speakers may miss the tones, but my partner is totally fine with an Americanized pronunciation. Meanwhile, folks somehow have the patience to learn harder names like Tchaikovsky. So even if the syllable combination may be unfamiliar, to me there’s no excuse for others to be able to say his name.

For the record we have plenty of family and friends, including white friends, who say my partner’s name with ease. So I want to share something that upset me recently.

My family had some relatives over a few months ago, all of whom are Asian-American. One of my cousin in-laws who is Vietnamese-American approached him and asked his name as they hadn’t really met. I was a few feet away, so wasn’t part of the conversation. Anyway my partner introduced himself, then she didn’t get it so she asked for his name again, and he repeated slower. Then, without ever attempting to pronounce it herself, she went:

“Can I just call you Y?” (Y is the first letter of his name)

When I overheard that, I thought wow, she really couldn’t be bothered to try saying his name at all, like what the heck. Perhaps she only meant to spare the awkwardness of having to clarify multiple times. But to make a genuine effort, no matter how clumsy, would certainly have been appreciated. What pissed me off was that she stripped his name down to a single letter. She decided that her own convenience was more important than respecting his identity. I couldn’t imagine ever doing this to someone who didn’t explicitly offer an alternate nickname, not to mention to a fellow Asian, and *especially* not to someone in my extended family.

Later that day, I mentioned to my partner that I had overheard that exchange, and that I was upset on his behalf. He said he did feel hurt in the moment but didn’t take it personally. Regardless, it opened my eyes to how easily we take names for granted. When someone introduces their name, they are in fact trusting us with a piece of themselves. This especially goes for people whose names are less common. This has encouraged me to make a more conscious effort to take time to learn peoples’ names, and hopefully make others feel seen.

As an example, recently a coworker came up to my desk asking me a question. I never met him before and I asked his name so I could email him something. He hesitated and was like “Uhh… just use my employee ID. It’s (insert ID#).” Found his name in the company phonebook, which did indeed appear to be quite tricky. But instead of just firing off my email I paused, and asked how to pronounce his name, and insisted that I wanted to make sure I could say it correctly. I could see he instantly lit up and was eager to share his name with me and help me pronounce it! Turns out his family is Nigerian and it was super cool to learn a little about his culture and name origin.

I was very glad to learn his name. But it made me so sad to think that he was so used to reducing himself to a bunch of ID numbers at work, that he’d even be reluctant to say his name in first introductions. It was a depressing thought.

To sum up, peoples’ names matter. For many people with uncommon names, they might spend their whole lives shrinking themselves to avoid “inconveniencing” others. So for us, I hope we can be more intentional and respectful about peoples’ names in our circles, especially to other fellow Asians, Asian-Americans, and people of color in our community. All it takes is a brief moment of “Could you help me say your name again? I want to make sure I get it right.” It’s a small gesture but it can really make a difference in someone elses’ day.

Lastly: if you go by a nickname purely out of convenience, when deep down you’d rather be using another name, I hope you find the courage to embrace it like my partner did. Be brave and take up the space you deserve. Make others learn your name; surround yourself by people who put in the effort to see you for who you are.