I (22) don't know how to go about talking to people in my life about any of this.

(sorry this is gonna be kinda rambley)

I am definitely not fully cis. I'm not out to anyone and have never talked with anyone i know about my gender identity. Even now I am hard pressed to call myself a woman, or even exactly trans. Those sort of labels kind just don't really fit with how I feel at the moment. But what I do feel is that i want to look feminine. I want to go on estrogen, have hips, boobs and feel pretty sometimes. But I also don't mind being seen as and referred to as a man, the body shape and all is kinda just for me. Like nobody needs to know that I'm sitting in my room in nothing but a bra and panties rn, but if I suddenly appear with a pair of knockers and birthing hips, someone is gonna notice, but I'll bring that up later.

The first step I ever took in this journey was 10 years ago, even before I knew trans people existed, was when I decided to not cut my hair and keep it long. I hated my short hair and it has been long ever since. This led many to think I was a girl, still happens today. I didn't think of it much until about 8th grade, when I started to actually learn about and become friends with trans people. Around that time, in the last 6 years or so, people have actually started to ask me and wonder if I myself was trans. My best friends even joke about slipping me estrogen and act as if it is just waiting to happen. But because of all this, I don't know how to actually come out or even talk about this with the people I trust the most. I worry it's going to be like an "i told you so." The thing I want to hear the absolute least is an "I know." I want them to believe it is something that I came to the conclusion on my own. And on the other side, I'd have to explain things to my family. Like because I'm still under his insurance, I'd have to tell dad that I want to be on E and want to present more feminine at times but I am still your son and you can refer to me as your son and by my birth name. Only other option there would be to lie about what the new medication is and keep it a secret, and I just don't know if I can maintain a lie like that, and then would eventually have to explain the boobs and all. And I doubt he'd disown me or anything too drastic, but I worry it'll change how he views me too negatively. He is your average Gen X "libertarian" who has just been voting red the whole time. He isn't like full on maga, often thinks trump is an idiot, but still has very right wing views on like the government and stuff like that. Ignorant to many social issues, and resistant to learning. Because of all that, I truly don't really know how he feels about trans people. I know he isn't like openly transphobic or homophobic since one of my best friends of 8 years, and someone who eventually became his stepson a few years later is a fully out gay trans man, has a bi daughter and, at least to me or my siblings hasn't said anything negative about my step brother and treats him much like the rest of us.

I wish I could talk to my best friend about it, but they've been the number one maker of the egg jokes. And it's not their fault, they haven't done anything wrong and don't even realize that they have made any sort of serious conversation about my gender identity difficult. And they also know waaay more about being trans than I do because they've known that they are nonbinary for like 8 years and has done a ton of research about transitioning on both sides. Like I know what i *need* to do, which is just talk to them and be honest about it, set boundaries and I wont know how they feel until they actually tell me, I just don't think they would believe that I have been considering this for longer than they have. I fear people are going to just assume I'm doing this to fit in or that I didn't come to this conclusion on my own. That they influenced me to consider it fully when I have been thinking this for a while and realized who I am on my own.

I just wish i could make it so everyone instantly knows and understands and is just okay with it.