I dread turning older

in April I will be turning 35 and I don't want to get older because I hate where I am in life and don't feel that age and I just think I'm pathetic alot of the time.

I am on the autism spectrum, unemployed but job hunting (more on that later) early March will be one year of since I got laid off from my last job. what self confidence and self esteem that I was building up had vanished. I have been obsessed with finding the right job for the past couple of years and I tried different things out like a life/job coach but it ne er went anywhere and I ended up somewhere else, so I regret having wasted a year whereas I could have taken something and built up income again.

I don't have a huge social circle and therefore not as many friends or connections as I would like, so job hunting has more than once turned into an obsession which has left me feeling frustrated and upset when nothing stands out and it feels hopeless.

I still live at home with my folks, while I am grateful for that I also want to move out and make my own living, and the longer this goes on the older I get and the more time runs out

So at nearly 35 I feel depressed and afraid of becoming a failure and being underemployed