I’m Torn Between Living And Dying

Hi, this is an interesting post. Most people know if they want to commit fully or not. But for years I have been incredibly conflicted.

I’ve been depressed and suicidal since I was eight so it’s been a decade. You’d think in a decade I would have figured out if I want to die or not but I really haven’t.

I have a few friends and a boyfriend. I’m not sure if I’m actually in love with him or if I’m just bored and lonely. My friends and boyfriend all live in different states. I rarely leave my house because of my many physical disabilities. Last year it seemed to have gotten better and I was so excited for my senior year, I even got a service dog. But I rapidly declined. I had to quit in person school and go online and I’m failing every class still because I’ve been horribly sick from medication changes.

I have stuff to look forward to I guess, I got into my dream college. But my problem is I’m worried that I’ll just be like this all my life. What if I fail college or don’t even graduate high school? What if I’m in pain all the time for the rest of my life and just get worse? What if I’m alone forever with no one really close enough to help or care all that much about me?

Idk what to do. I feel pathetic and scared but I’m also just so tired and numb. I’m not particularly sad anymore, it could be the medication changes but I only have short panic attacks (maybe five minutes) and that’s the only time I cry. All other times I just feel nothing. I don’t even feel real.

(TLDR: Idk if I should die or not. Is life worth living?)