My nieces are the only reason I haven't killed myself.

I want to just.... stop existing. I used to joke about not making it to my 25th birthday but it wasn't a joke. I was addicted to opiates from the age of 11, quit cold turkey when I was 19 and then been hooked on meth for the last 14 years. I should have done it before my sisters first kid turned 3, because the only thing that stops me from slitting my wrists in the bathtub or eating a bullet at the bottom of our empty pool is how much it would hurt my nieces. my mom blames me for everything. she barely tolerates me, belittles me every chance she gets,, undermines everything I tell my nieces just so she can contradict me, she goes as far as giving them permission to do whatever I told them not to(which I only ever do to stop them from hurting themselves or from really pissing my parents off.) I shouldn't have waited, I should have done it before my sisters first child would have remembered me at all. her two oldest daughters live with my parents and I, my sister and her two other daughters do not. my nieces won't understand why I won't ever came back. I don't want to do that to them. their dad ain't shit. he's never been there. my sister and her kids are the only people in my life I feel are ever genuinely happy to see me. I lost my eldest sister unexpectedly to an unintentional fentanyl OD several years ago and this desire for death has been at the back of my mind ever since. my mom compares me to her brother but at least I know she won't miss me when I'm gone. I know him and I aren't the same but that's not how she sees me anymore. I need to end it before my nieces get old enough for my mom to convinces them how much of a useless piece of shit I am, she's already started and I don't want to wake up one day for them to look at me the same way she does.