i feel like i think i am a complex person but really i'm not

i'm very simple really. i'm naïve. unlikeable. i'm mean. i say the wrong thing. i'm uninteresting. i'm ugly. i'm dumb.

i'm afraid this post feels inauthentic in itself. like really i'm just saying this in hopes that it will capture some stranger's attention online, who will pity me and tell me that none of what i've said about myself is true. and i suppose if you've read this far then it worked somewhat haha

very deep down i think i know that stuff isn't true. i have people in my life who care about me, who would deny all of my previous claims. but every time i have the thought that i might be worth something, even for a moment--that i have talents, something to offer--i beat it down until i'm in tears because i feel i don't deserve to believe that. i deserve to have low self-esteem because anything more would risk bordering on delusional. and it would be embarrassing to believe i'm worth more than i actually am. i'd rather believe i'm nothing than think highly of myself when i don't deserve it. that's all.