🌷🌷🌷🌷

Seeing you in passing only made the ache worse, fml.

I don't think I've told you this, but the pink shirt is one of my favourites on you. It brings out your colouring really beautifully.

You're about the only person who hasn't greeted me with happy surprise or uncharacteristic awkwardness today, so I'd wager you probably do read some of these.

Which I already knew, but I feel like I gaslight myself around that because - even excepting the last month - you're often so absent in person with me.

Were you avoiding me today, or just busy?

I was out until almost midday, to be fair, then at my one mandatory training session for another hour or so, and I have no idea what you were doing.

I somehow miss you more now, and am doubting myself more now, too.

Oh well. The day would have been difficult regardless.

I'm trying not to cry in the ground floor bathroom.

Nothing even went wrong, but today was intense and so fucking difficult.

Difficult people, no break or detox, feeling like I'm unable to go into the lunch area because she might be there, and insane structure around my role being imposed (I'll be fine when I know what to expect, but right now it's stifling).

I'm trying very hard to keep it together. I knew this week was probably going to suck. I knew I'd have to grit my teeth and persevere. I'm just...not particularly enjoying living through it.

(Part of me so desperately want to know, now you've seen me again...do you still think I'm pretty? Did you ever?)