Actual tips to a really unfathomably bad player

Actual tips for someone who is worse than a legless player

I am 22yo and have never ever touched a ball since my 6yo where I played futsal for like 4 months, I have legitimate zero capacity of kicking a ball off the ground (even though I have some strenght in the leg since I did muay thai), zero capacity of actually dominating a ball, if someone sends me to run after a ball I can catch its speed, but cant make it stop moving, the only thing that I can actually hit is a simple pass to start off the game.

And no, being goalkeeper is not an option because not everytime I will be goalkeeping.

No dribbling, shooting, game awareness or vision, nothing, a plain sheet.

Any tips to start off? I dont wanna go play with my coworkers on our biweekly matches being a total failure, anyway I can learn at least the very fundamental before embarassing myself, I am completely lacking in motor skills from the waist down.

I dont wanna go amateur or pro, just able to actually enjoy myself