I [24F] feel unheard by my boyfriend [26M] about moving in and money, and it’s making me question our future together

Hi Reddit, this is my first post and I really need some outside perspective.

My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) had a rocky start. Early on, I thought we were moving toward being exclusive, and then I found out he had re-downloaded Hinge behind my back. I almost broke up with him, but I decided to give him another chance after he promised it wouldn’t happen again. I’ve tried to move forward, but that really shook my trust.

He also has trust issues with me. One day, he was using my phone, scrolling through my Instagram, and found my finsta. He never asked if he could look, and I instinctively pulled my phone back. There was nothing shady there; it’s mostly influencers, cooking pages, comics, etc., but the whole interaction just added another layer of tension. It feels like we both started this relationship with cracks in the foundation.

Now things are getting more complicated because I’m moving to another state soon, about a 20-hour drive away. Right now we live about 20 minutes apart. At first, I was open to him moving to the new city too, but living separately, because I felt like if we already have trust issues, jumping straight into living together might not be the best idea.

He didn’t like that plan. He said it wouldn’t make sense to leave his family and friends, move to a totally new place for me, and then live apart. I understood where he was coming from, so I tried to compromise. I suggested that we could live together in a short-term rental (like through Furnished Finder) and see how it goes before committing to a long-term lease.

That’s when the money and fairness issues started feeling really heavy.

• If I live alone in an apartment, my rent would be around $800/month.
• If we live together in a townhouse (which we need because of his 50-lb dog and the need for outdoor space), rent would be around $1,600–$1,900 total.

He wanted to split rent and groceries 50/50. But he makes about twice as much as I do through his travel agency job, and I’d just have a regular full-time job. I told him that splitting everything evenly doesn’t feel fair to me, especially because I wouldn’t need a townhouse if it weren’t for his dog. If I’m paying around $800 either way, part of me would honestly rather live alone and not have to worry about pet hair, extra cleaning, and sharing my space when I really value my alone time.

We already split groceries 50/50, even though he eats more, and I let that go because I didn’t want to seem petty. He usually pays for most of our dates, and I do appreciate that. But during this conversation, he made a comment like, “I’m not your sugar daddy,” which really stung. I’ve never asked him to pay for my nails, waxing, hair, or anything like that. I’ve cooked for him regularly, packed him lunches when we worked together, and never asked him to pay me back for groceries when I did that. Yet when I brought up the rent split, he said I was being “transactional.”

He’s also said he expects me to cook more once we’re living together. I actually enjoy cooking, but I work full-time too, and cooking can feel like another job. When I mentioned that, he said, “Just tell me when you feel like you’re doing all the cooking,” which made it sound like helping is optional on his part instead of something we share. I know I’ll also end up helping with his dog (and his cat), which I don’t mind doing out of love, but it starts to feel like I’m taking on more of the emotional and practical load for his lifestyle.

We talked about this for literally over eight hours total, across multiple conversations. During that time, he held firm on wanting a strict 50/50 split for rent. Then he talked to his parents for a couple of hours, and after that, he suddenly changed his mind and said maybe we should split based on our income instead, because they thought that was more fair.

And that’s the part that really broke something for me inside. It wasn’t that he changed his mind; it’s why he changed it. It felt like my words, my feelings, and my logic weren’t enough on their own. It only became “reasonable” once his parents agreed with the same idea. It made me feel small and unimportant, like my perspective needs outside validation before he can take it seriously.

I ended up crying in front of him and asking him to leave my place. I told him I don’t want to live together anymore, and I suggested doing long distance instead. He’s not keen on that at all. Now I feel torn between how much I care about him and how hurt and unheard I feel.

I truly adore him, and there are so many little things about him that I love. But sometimes his emotional reactions and tendency to center his own needs make me feel invisible. I keep asking myself if I’m asking for too much or if this is a sign that, long-term, we just don’t have compatible values around communication, money, and partnership.

What I need advice on:

• Given the trust issues, the money conflict, and how dismissed I felt when his parents’ opinions mattered more than mine, does it sound healthier to step back from living together for now or even from the relationship altogether?
• For those who have been in similar situations, how did you know when it was a “work through it” problem versus a “this is who they are” problem?

TLDR:
My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been together 5 months and started off with trust issues (Hinge and phone/finsta stuff). I’m moving out of state, and we discussed him moving with me and living together. He wanted to split rent and groceries 50/50, even though he makes twice as much and we’d need a more expensive place, mainly for his dog. After hours of my trying to explain why that felt unfair, he only changed his mind to an income-based split after talking to his parents, not me. Now I feel unheard, unimportant, and unsure if we should move in together or even stay in the relationship.