Anyone else hate the fact that they didn't choose this?

I've always fucking hated the fact that I couldn't choose this. I remember being 6 or 7 and having my first little crush on another boy. It was Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter. I still remember it to this day. I was sitting on the floor, in the living room, in front of the big box TV and a commercial for the first movie came on and I was like mesmerized by Harry. At the time, I didn't even know of "gay' as a concept. Raised by a conservative family. Wasn't abused. I didn't think much of it at the time but it's like I had this instinct that I knew I had to keep those feelings a secret.....

As I got older, eventually I started realizing what gay was and started to connect the dots that I was. I only ever learned of it through a negative context. It was the thing all the other kids hated and made fun of. The thing I heard family members say bad things about. The things I heard from movies and the TV. When I reached puberty in 5th grade, I knew for sure I was gay, as my attraction fully activated so to speak. The crushes got more intense, I'd pleasure myself, get hard ons, etc only towards other males. I prayed every single morning and night for "god' to cure me and make me "normal". I'd tell myself it was just a phase and that it was a thing that happened to all boys my age and that I'd just grow out of it by the time I got to middle school.....

Well when I got to 8th grade I realized there was no fucking god to cure me. There was no phase that was going to pass. I was gay and I always would be. That was the first time I started feeling like I wanted to end things. By that time I knew just how much most people hated people like me. I knew the implications. I knew there was no cure.

I'm 30 now and thise feelings have only intensified. I watched as it seemed progress was being made but that peaked in 2012 and I'm 2015 the trend started to reverse. It was an anomoly in history. It's clear now, more than ever, that most people are always going to hate gays and view us as subhuman. There is nothing we can do about that. Social media exposed that. It just frustrates me that I didn't get a say in this. And I only have 3 options going forward.

I can either accept the fact that most people view me as a subhuman threat to the fabric of their nation and their families, and say fuck it, and be myself and accept the risk that that brings.

I can be more miserable than I already am, try to fake it and do the whole closet married DL gay. At least then I'd be doing my "godly' duties and have a wife and kids like a "real man' and "good citizen".

Or I can reject it all and opt out.