He used me like an object when I was blackout drunk and it rewired my brain

He’d fuck me when I was blackout drunk I’d wake up sore, leaking, no memory of how many times he came inside. When I was sober he’d shove his cock down my throat while scrolling porn on his phone, completely ignoring me like I was just a warm hole to jerk off with. At first it crushed me, made me feel worthless and invisible. But after a while… it started turning me on in this dark, fucked-up way. The idea of being reduced to nothing but an object, zoning out and drifting while he used my mouth like a fleshlight it made me wet even when I hated myself for it.

I hate that I miss it. I hate that during sex now I sometimes dissociate and imagine I’m back there, just a thing to cum in. I hate that I crave someone treating me like I’m worthless again, like I don’t matter except for my holes. He broke something in my head and I don’t know if it can ever be fixed.