i think im a bad person (vent maybe?)

forgive me for the title, idk where to post this so forgive me if this is improper but as the title says i think im a bad person. i think I've always been this way but lately it's been really bad. kind of unrelated but I've been feeling really numb lately and every day has been very monotonous, and im constantly thinking of bad things i can do to bring attention to how im feeling

the thing that makes me feel as if im a bad person is sometimes (a lot of the time) i find myself hoping something bad would happen to me or the people close to me specifically so it could benefit me and make people feel bad for me. i have never told this to anyone because i know it's not the best thing to say, i do love and care for the people close to me obviously but it's just random moments where i would think of the things aforementioned.

i also sometimes find myself distancing from others when they're sad or feeling negative emotions at all because it feels like too much exhaust or work on ME??? I've been trying to work on this but that feeling of pushing people away always comes back.

i think I'm gonna start seeing a therapist, but even then i feel like even that might not help me. a part of me wants to get help so bad but another part of me doesn't, I don't want to get better because i still want pity and i want people to feel bad, and if I'm not depressed then what's so special about me? i know this may be messed up but i have no idea what to do

i will try to tell my therapist about this when i start taking therapy, but i guess i just wanted to post this here to see if i could get advice or if there's anyone who feels the same way as i do