NSFW : vent about finding out about PDF little brother

Not sure if this is allowed I’ve been drinking a little and there’s not really anyone I can talk to irl about this. I (22f) found out in Dec that my little brother (19m) was talking to a minor (14f) [he said it was tinder and didn’t know] it wasn’t until last month that my husband was snooping online that he found stuff online that showed he was lying, anyways just found out he contained images of CSAM (ages 3-11) and I haven’t feel good since. I feel sick and I hate myself because I want to hate him but I just can’t I want to be there for him and even that is har to do I made a post about this in a r/advice community thingy and I got good advice but I still don’t feel good . I want to hate him so I stop feeling like this but I can’t. Again no not looking for advice I already got it but I cry at least once a week thinking about it I just can’t confine in anyone but I hate myself for not being able to hate him too I still hold love for to him even though he’s my little brother but he’s not little and he did something so bad court is still ongoing so there’s only so much I can say but somehow a little sliver of me is hoping that he was telling the truth and that someone someone planted stuff or something but the lil what in what we found online tells such a different story and if it’s all true I mourn the brother that i had and I hope the little girl gets justice