Back at the casino

My last relapse was over a year ago. I cant tell you exactly how many days because I dont count them... I decided after the last relapse that I'm just not a gambler any more. Counting days keeps it part of my identity.

I was at a casino tonight for almost 4 hours for a work meeting. Had to be there. Im even self-banned from this casino but knew they wouldnt recognize me because ive never been there.

I was drinking, too. Never placed a bet. Stared at a couple blackjack tables for about 15 minutes. Brain told me that I could play 100 bucks and quit if I lost. Im not a gambler anymore. I have control. If I lost who cares. And as a bonus, how many times have I turned 10p bucks into 5k at a blackjack table? What if that happens tonight? Free money, right? Thats pays off one of the credit cards Ive barely been keeping the minimum payment on for a year...

Then I remember that +5k now means -20k later every single time no matter what and I walked away and distracted myself until it was time to leave.

Im not a gambler anymore, I respect myself more than that.